The Shadows in which I lived
by LittleBloodyJ
Summary: He wanted revenge so he went for the weakest. Me. Unlike you I cannot see what comes next. The pain has become me now and as I feel the rope keep me standing up I wonder what comes next. Her name is just a faint whisper but it is all I have.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **He wanted revenge so he went for the weakest. Me. Unlike you I cannot see what comes next. The pain has become me now and as I feel the rope keep me standing up I wonder what comes next. Her name is just a faint whisper but it is all I have.

**Chapter: **Prologue

**Pairings: **Auggie/Annie

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just playing with toys which are not mine.

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **Torture, kidnapping, angst... :)

**Spoilers:** I hope not(!).

**A/N: H**ey! This is my first Covert Affairs story so please be gentle! This may or may not be a _character!death _fic, if you review with your opinion you can choose.  
I hope you enjoy this and... Tell me if you like it.

* * *

_I can see your shadow But it's fading_  
_I can hear your whispers But they're fading _  
_I can smell your passion But it's fading _  
_I can taste your kiss But it's fading _  
_I can reach for you But you're fading _  
_I can feel your beating heart But the beats are fading _  
_I can walk by your side But the cares are fading _  
_I can feel your arms around me But your grip is fading _  
_I can dry your tears But the cries are fading _  
_I love you..._  
_But my love, you are fading..._

**_My Fading Love by Johnna Marie Puckett_**

* * *

Death.

For every person, every religion, the word and the meaning behind the word changes. When we are little we are told that dying is sad for those left behind but for the person who dies it is not sad. For the person dying it is warm and they feel like they are being wrapped up in cotton wool as all their best memories flash before their eyes. Once the memories fade the person is gone but they are not afraid of what comes next because they know _everything is going to be okay_. Bad people go to Hell and Good people go to Heaven or Nirvana (whatever you want to call it). Those are the facts many children are told.

Most of those facts are lies made to make us feel significant in our useless little lives.  
They are made to tell us there is more after all of this.

Death is not fast and it does not swallow you in one gulp. Instead death cherishes each bite, slowly draining your life away. It comes nice and slow yet you (we) never see it coming because we are blind to its face and so caught up we don't feel when it first grabs us. Maybe we all have a set time to die (destiny) or maybe it is random but we are all going to be in this position sooner or later.

(_Some of us are already there_.)

Dying is not warm like we are told. Death is... Death is like slowly sinking under frozen water and you're too numb to try to swim out. You are too heavy and you sink (some fast, some slow) and the frozen water pours down your mouth and up your nose. The water takes up all the room oxygen should be in and you are slowly drowning in the cold.

You cannot get away from the cold and as you try to scream a single name or word will come to your lips. Whatever comes to your mind will be your reason for staying awake and not giving in to the need to sleep. The moment the word or name fades the game is over.

(_You can feel your heart start to slow in your chest and no matter how hard you try you can't breathe._)

It hurts. Of course it does.

Your heart isn't strong enough to keep beating and it feels like pure agony with each beat it does. You can feel it slow down and you beg it to keep going. The name or word will ever become stronger or weaker at this point. For me, the name is slowly fading.

Nobody really knows what death is until they are trapped within its gasp. Those who have survived near death have only seen a bit of what it is. Only those who die truly know the horror death holds and when you are trapped in it there is absolutely nothing you do. You cannot scream. You can feel reality slip away as you try to hold on to that one word. You know it is important to hold on no matter how much trying to focus hurts. Reality (memories) feel like an acid and you are forcing yourself to touch it, grasping for something that you can barely remember. The pain mixed with the need to sleep make you feel like you are sinking and the word is floating away.

This is how I know. As you are reading this I am slowly slipping through the stages and my heart has nearly stopped.

(_How do you know if you're awake when shadows are what you know?_)

I do not know if I am going to Heaven or Hell. Have I been a bad person? I can barely remember my own name but one thing I do remember is how I got here. I remember her anger and my giving up.

I do not know if some people do see their best memories- maybe it doesn't work for people like me. Maybe you have to be able to see to actually _see._

Yes. I'm blind and as I feel myself slowly loose grip on the name (her name) I also feel a single, cold tear run down the side of my face. Nobody is going to care that I'm gone. My family will blink and move on- I've always been the one to be put last even after I lost my eyesight in Iraq. My friends... Ha. What friends? Those who I consider friends pity me. They made it perfectly clear the day all this began. The woman I (loved?) cared for never returned my feelings and never will. I will never get the chance to tell her because in moments it will be too late. I have moments to live.

My name? It was August Anderson- Auggie to my '_friends_'.

I worked for the CIA (yes, a blind man worked for the CIA) and I was okay. I was the closest thing to happy I had been in a very long time. Then everything fell apart before my useless eyes. I was left listening to everything smash in the silence.

My blindness is part of how I got here.  
Ironic isn't it?

(_When you've lost everything why should you hold on? It hurts to hold on if what you are holding is frozen air.)_

He thought I was the weakest so he chose me.

(_He was right. I am weak_.)

He was so very right. I wasn't even able to fight him off when he took me. My _friends_ have probably stopped looking for me and are just waiting for my body to turn up in little chunks.

(_God... I sound like him.._.)

I am afraid.

(_I'm so very scared_.)

I know you must think of me as a coward for being scared but I really am. Unlike you I cannot see what comes next. The pain has become me now and as I feel the tight rope keep me standing up (tied to the tall column of wood) I wonder what comes next. The splinters do not bother me and my strength is gone and I slouch over. Her name is just a faint whisper but it is all that is keeping me going.

Maybe being blind is part of my punishment for being bad. Maybe I was such a bad person I don't deserve to see anything that makes me feel like my life was worth living. Maybe my life wasn't worth living- after all, who will remember me when I'm gone?

(_You cannot get away from it. Death grabs you in a death grip_.)

(_Nobody_.)  
Nobody.

There is one thing which hits me. Even thought I'm soaked in sweat, blood and petrol there is one smell that hits me.

It smells of _her._ Her sweet, gentle perfume hits me and I know I'm gone.  
It's over.

How do I know? I know because she can't be here. She just can't.

(_I'm alone and cold. How do I know if I'm dead yet?_)

**His** voice is closer than I expected. "Walker. You made it just in time." He sounds _ecstatic_ and I shiver. I've never been more afraid of a person in my life and as I hear her take a step forwards I miss the sound of her kitten heels. I can tell she's wearing trainers by the squeak they let out as she moves forwards.  
"In time for what?" Her voice is exactly what I would wish it to be if she were really here (she can't be). She sounds like she is scared (for me) and there's that sharpness that comes when you've been crying. That's how I know she is just part of my imagination. Why would she cry for _me_? Even I won't cry for me.  
His voice is a terrible sound as I hear a match being lit. "The fireworks."

She screams '_no_' and my name. I cannot move yet I try. I want to hold her. She shouldn't be scared.  
We have moments left.

The fires have been lit and I am left in the shadows which I lived in.

When death takes its grip you can only delay it. The more violent the death the more numb you feel. In a car crash it is over in a second but other deaths are slow and the person can feel everything in almost slow motion. You'll be too numb to feel pain at this point but what is happening will still register at the very back of your sleepy mind.

Maybe they are the shadows of death because as you read this I hear a single bullet being shot and a body hitting the floor. I'm too far gone to be able to tell who it was.

This is where we begin.

The very end.

(_The end is the start and the start is the end_.)

We begin with the fires being lit and the name fading.

We begin with me giving up as I allow myself to sleep before the flames get me.

For you this is the beginning of our tale- the last week of my life up to this very moment. Please, as you watch don't judge until you know the entire story. I can only tell you it once and as bad of a storyteller as I am sure I am I hope you understand why the choices which were made were actually made.

Please, listen to me because you are the last person who will ever know how August Anderson got to the moment his head dropped down and the circle of flames around him grew, ready to swallow him up.

As a final wish- one I suspect you won't do- I beg you to remember my name and that I meant well. Because as the darkness swallows me and the last of the iced water drowns me I tell you my small story.

As I die alone in the shadows which I lived in I only ask you not to forget me.

(..._Please_...)  
(... _I don't wan't to die alone_...)

* * *

So? I hope it was good! Remember, that was only the opening. The next chapter would be based a week in the past when everything began. :)

Three questions:  
1. Should I continue with Auggie's POV or 3rd person?  
2. Should Auggie be saved in the end or die?  
3. What ending do you want: should it be romantic ending, angst ending, tragedy, romantic!angst, sad... ?

Review if you liked it- please, no flames! More to come if you do review. X

**Love,  
J.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: H**ey guys! Thank you SO much for the feedback! I hope this chapter doesn't dissapoint, in many ways it is jusy a workup to next chapter.  
Not my best work but it's the best this fourteen year old can do with a mother sad about her breakup and her **** of a father. ;)  
I hope you enjoy. X

* * *

_It's about how you  
laugh out of pity,  
'cause lets be honest  
I'm not really that funny.  
_**The spill canvas** – Lullaby

* * *

**7 days earlier.  
**_18__th__ December, 06:30am._

Thinking back, it was this very day that everything started. This was the day I woke up and knew I should have remained safe in my bed. Maybe even call in sick so I didn't have to work- _God_ I wish I had done that. Maybe if I had followed my instincts ad remained in bed what has led me to this point may not have happened- maybe I would not be telling this story. But as usual I did the stupid thing.

I got out of bed.

I remember shivering as I kicked a blanket off me even though I was hot. At the time I had considered nothing of it but now we are where we are I know. At the time I had been too _blind_ to see it but everyone is always too blind to see it. The exact moment my feet touched the wooden floor I had chosen my fate and death placed his first finger on my shoulder. Death, unlike what we might believe, gives you five chances. One for every finger he will grab you with. I was grabbed by the first finger the moment my feet touched the floor and I couldn't see it (no pun intended).

I remember shivering at the feel of the cold floor under my feet and reluctantly pushing myself up, my head spinning from the sudden speed. I remember lots of tiny, insignificant detail like the feeling of the blankets as they fell down across my skin and the smell of beer from what I had been wearing the night before when I had gone to dinner with Annie. I remember longing to be able to see her more than I had longed to see anything since I had lost my eyesight. I remember as she laughed happily and I resisted the urge to inch closer.

I longed to know what she looked like and to be honest I still do. I wonder is she as pretty as she sounds or is she even more beautiful? Is her hair colour of pure honey or clean gold? I will never find out, I never would have if I hadn't got into this situation but still I cannot help but wonder... Was she as beautiful to everyone else as she was to me?

(_Auggie... you need to wake up now..._)

Her voice reaches me yet I know it's just another illusion made by my dying mind. It's not really her voice, I know it cannot be but at the same time my heart races at the sound of it. I know it is another trick to make me reach out to what I think is her but is Death instead. I try to resist it but her smell wraps around me.

(_I'm so sorry... Auggie please wake up..._)

This is how I know her voice to be an illusion. Annie has nothing to say 'sorry' about. I am here because of my own stupidity. I am here because bad things happen to bad people. I am not a good person so surely I am bad. Just like **He** said I am.

(_Auggie! Please... wake up!_)

I cannot wake up. I'm stuck reliving the day it all began with you. Her voice calls me but I don't reach out to it because I know it is not (cannot) be real. It is yet another trick to make this man die faster. Maybe this is Hell. Reliving my mistakes over and over as I listen to her perfect voice.  
No. The illusion of her perfect voice.

I ignore her voice and immerse myself in the memory, remembering the hot water falling on me when I first entered the shower and I remember the feeling of the cold tiles on the walls under my hands as I tried to remain on my feet. My head was pounding yet as I moved my face so the full force of the water made impact my flesh.

One ironic thing which I cannot help but remember is the fact I really considered going back to bed. I wanted to go back to bed so badly it was stupid. Yet I did not. I chose to rinse the peachy soap off my boiling skin and get ready as if it was going to be just another day. I believed it was just going to be another day of trying to catch a single moment with Annie and proving that just because I am and was blind I could still stay on the top of my little role.

I chose to get ready for work and Death's finger got tighter.

If I had known I know for certain that one fact I would have gone back to bed and in essence not be telling you all this.

Who knew something as trivial as going back to bed would be a matter of life and death?

_(Auggie... don't give up...)_

I want to go to her voice yet I do not allow myself to. There is more I want to tell you before I stop fighting. I need at least one person to know the truth even if you forget it.

Before you say anything- I know you'll forget it like you will forget me. It is only fair enough because we all forget. Sure, you might remember me for a day or two but then my memory will fade like the dream you had a week ago. Do you remember that dream? Even if you do it will not be clear. I am that dream in some senses. You will remember me for a little while and then I will be gone.

Soon you will start to forget my face and my story. I will fade away and then all you will have left will be part of a name that will mean nothing to you. You will forget me soon after that.

_(Auggie! Hold on... They're nearly here...)_

Proof of her voice being an illusion. Annie Walker has nothing to be so panicked about. **He** was correct when he told me my own situation was (is) my fault. I got myself into this. I always get myself in trouble – my sight proof of that. August Anderson cannot do a single thing right.

I'm even messing telling you this story up... Sorry. I am. I'm sorry to you. I'm sorry to my family for having to be related to such a _waist of space_ like me. Most of all I'm sorry to Annie for having to put up with me for so long.

I'm sorry.

_(Auggie... don't leave me...)_

In the end I did absolutely nothing right.

_(...don't leave me...)_

Yet I do leave her. We both do. We slip forwards into yet another memory and just for a second I swear I can feel a salty drop of warm water hit the side of my face and warm arms hold me tight.

I think it's another illusion.

_(Auggie!)_

How can I be sure?

_11:11am_

When I was a child my mother would tell me about every time the clock was on 11:11 I should make a wish because it meant I had a guardian angel looking over me. Yet as I silently sat at my desk I tapped out a tune on the desk's surface using my nail. I focused on nothing as the pounding in my head got stronger.

"So, is that a yes?" Jai's voice came from fairly far away but I still heard it as if it was right next to me. "One date. That is all I ask." I smirked at his begging and silently told myself off. I listened carefully to hear who the unlucky woman was and what she would answer.  
"Fine!" Annie's voice was joyful as she giggled her answer and I can remember my heart breaking. "One date."

The feeling of the wooden pencil in my hand lingers as I remember. I remember suddenly tightening my grip and feeling it snap, not really noticing how the broken ends dug deep into my flesh, causing blood to run down my hand and onto my sleeve. I remember not really caring. I had no reason to care.

(_Auggie?_)

"Auggie? Are you okay?" Her voice in my memory is exactly the same as the one in my mind. I remember her grabbing my wrist and pulling it towards her. I remember my hand tingling in hers and me wanting to pull away and at the same time wanting to move closer.

"Fine." I remember placing a fake smile on my lips and forcing my hand to move away. I remember wishing I was dead. I should have been more careful what I wished for. "Just peachy." My tone was bitter and she realised it and I felt her flinch. I let the smile fade away.

_(It's going to be okay.)_

"What's wrong?"

(_I'm here now...)_

"Nothing." I looked away and clenched my bleeding hand. "Absolutely nothing."

(_Just a few more seconds.)_

"It isn't nothing-" Annie placed a hand on my shoulder. "Let's get your hand fixed up." I let her lead me. I've never been able to say no to her.

I chose not to say anything and Death placed his second finger on my shoulder.

In some senses I don't regret this moment – that was the one and only time she took my hand in hers yet deep down I knew that the look in her eyes that I could not see was pity.

I wished I could just disappear.

_(August Anderson don't you dare give up!)_

How I wish her voice was real- yet as we stand here I know it's not.

_(Just stay with me.)_

The Annie in my memory keeps on talking. "Auggie are you listening to me?"

_(Listen to my voice, keep holding on. Stay right here with me Auggie...)_

Why should I? Nobody stayed with me.

No. That's not true. But now is not the time.

Maybe later for now we have a few more memories to go. Will you stay with me for them?  
Please... it won't take long. I promise.

_1:00 pm._

"Are we talking about the same place?" Annie's voice sounded delighted as she gasped the words out.  
"Nothing but the best for our first date." Jai's tone was also honey smooth and I felt sick. Of course he would take her to a restaurant she was dying to go to and would cost me two year's rent. Of course he would offer her everything I couldn't and I remember thinking how I would never be able to top him. I guess in a way I was wrong- I died for her in the end. Or at least I'm _dying_ for her. I do not know if I am here in the past or there in the present. What is reality? Is this reality or is the distant echo of her voice reality? Is staying here killing me or saving me?

I remember her not denying it was a date and I heard her walk closer to where his voice had come from. He could give her everything she deserved and I would never be enough for her. I was another blind guy, following her like a lost puppy. Had she not compared me to a dog once before? She had probably realised my growing crush at the very start and had been laughing at me.

**He** had told me as much.  
**He** had told me how she laughed at me and he had been correct.

At the time I was frozen as she let out another laugh – the ones she usually reserved for me. For some unknown reason that felt more like betrayal than the fact she was going on a date with him. _Him_ of all people.

It's funny, looking back. I know you're giving me the '_he is insane_' look but it is one of those things I can either laugh or cry about. If I were to cry at every hurt we shall see then we would all drown.

So I choose to laugh at how the fact she does... did. I need to remember to use the past tense...  
I'm doing it again aren't I?  
I'm messing this all up again. I'm sorry.  
I cannot even tell my own story right.  
I'm always messing up.

I was a bad friend.  
I was a bad son.  
I was a bad brother.  
I never did anything right. **He** was right.

So I choose to laugh at how the fact she did not care about me caused so much pain. I laugh bitterly and _loudly_ as I shake my head. Does the bitterness reach my eyes or is the still fresh hurt already there? I know there will be no humour there and as I remember myself turning around to walk away. My head was pounding and I suddenly needed to get out of the room. I felt claustrophobic.

I had taken five steps and a half before she called my name. Like the good little puppy I was I stopped yet I forced my face to show no emotion. I did not want her to know about the hurt. I did not want her to pity me even more. I would have chosen hate over pity- another moment the figure of speech 'be careful what you wish for' fits in nicely.

That was probably the only reason she had become my friend in the first place.  
Pity for the poor, lonely blind guy.

"Auggie." She sounded so very happy as she said my name yet I could not force myself to answer. My lips seemed sealed together. "Are you feeling alright? You look really pale." At the time the concern in her voice has only made everything hurt more.  
"Fine." I said the one word with no emotion. I smile despite myself at my reaction. I was a better actor than people gave me credit for.

_(I'm not going to beg.)_

For half a second I think I hear her voice but it is part of my imagination.

_(...if I do will you wake up?)_

Did you hear that? No. Never mind. Just my mind playing games.  
I'm not ready to follow her voice just yet. I want to see this through- after all, you only get to see your death once. But I don't see it do I? Whatever. Details do not really matter right now do they?

In the memory Annie pauses at my bitterness. "What the hell is wrong with you today?" She growled the words out and as cold as I looked, inside I was crying. "All I've done is try to be nice and you have just chucked it in my face!"  
I remember biting the very tip of my tongue as I tried to contain my feelings. "You know what Walker? You're not the only one to have bad days. Run off to Jai or something." I inwardly flinched. No wonder nobody liked me. I had just made it clear why I was so angry.  
"Oh." She paused and for a second I feared she had worked it out and was about to laugh. "Are you mad at me for telling the tech girl Sarah before you?" I felt like letting out a sigh of relief at her not working it out but then the meaning in her words hit me. She had been telling people.  
If she had been going out with me she would have asked me to keep it quiet.

"No." I shook my head and considered telling her the truth. Death's second finger loosened a little bit but as I chose not to tell her the icy finger snapped back down tighter than ever. In the space of a few hours I had already lost to strikes. If I had just told her I might just have a broken heart.

_(Auggie. You need to wake up. It's Annie, your best friend.)_

Even the voice of the illusion mocks me. Best friend. Yes, that sounds like me- the blind best friend who is in love with the incredible, kind woman he can never get. Early on in the film the gorgeous colleague is introduced and the beautiful girl falls for him. The audience cannot help but love him and they feel sorry for the poor blind man who is left alone in the shadows. The audience cannot help but agree with her choice. Who wouldn't choose the incredible spy over the boring, useless blind man who has been there since the very start?

_(This isn't funny August.)_

Yes. Actually, I think it is. In the memory I keep my face could as my heart breaks. I flinch away from the memory because I know. I know what came next.

"It is nothing about you and Wilcox." I remember my tone being icy cold and me being proud of how easily I had lied to her.  
"Do you think it's unprofessional? Is that why you're mad?" She keeps on babbling, ignoring my answer. "You told me that dating colleagues is considered good because it is in the circle of trust." I felt like I was being punched. I **had** told her that. It was meant to come out as information but to me it had sounded like I was flirting. I had tried to keep it professional but when I had told her that I had felt a small bit of hope. It had been a long time since I had a serious relationship.

"It has nothing to do with Wilcox." My tone was impatient. "I... I am just not feeling very well."  
"Oh." At the time I took no notice of her tone, simply focusing on my need to leave. Now I hear it there is almost a note of disappointment. Did she want me to make a scene and become even more ridiculous in everyone's view.  
I remember leaning closer, guessing correctly where her ear was for me to whisper the words I regret. "Do whatever you want- you know I'll be waiting." I remember pulling away and walking towards Joan's office. I did not stop until I got there.

She did not try to talk to me again.

To be honest that hurt more than if she had told me did not feel the same.

So as I kept on walking I felt a shiver down my back as Death placed its third finger next to others and it let out a sigh. A small breeze of cold air hit me, encouraging me to go back or stop walking. I did neither and kept on walking.

_(Auggie you __need__ to live.)_

Why? I don't see why. I really cannot see why I should keep on going.

_(I need you.)_

_Liar. _

Let's go. There is one more memory we need to see before things get serious. Possibly the most important memory we will see on our trip. The last memory of the day we are in now. If you hear her voice just ignore it. We're trapped in my mind until we live everything- you will see it and I will feel it.

She is part of my imagination- just part or the part of me who has already given up.  
One more memory then this day will be over.

_11:11pm._

My head was spinning from the amount I had drunk. I do (did) not usually drink such a high amount but I allowed myself to. Joan had agreed for me to take the next week off work seeing I kept having to put my vacation off. I had a week all to myself and I would be lying if I said I planned to do anything but drink. I had always hated December- Christmas being the reason.

I have always detested Christmas with a passion- the main reason being that my birthday was on Christmas day and was usually forgotten. Not that I cared at this stage but when I was a Child I would always receive Christmas cards with a small 'happy birthday August.' scribbled inside. I detested it. Over the years I had left my family and disappointed them so much we did not even send each other cards. I was just the son who was never talked about.

As usual I received no form of Birthday or Christmas wish from anyone apart from one girl who I worked with who got coffee for everyone and was really shy. I think her name was Suzy or something. It was a sweet little name for a sweet young girl.

When I entered my flat I should have known that something was wrong. Now I can smell the honey aftershave and the drug **He** had placed on the piece of material he had ripped from my curtain. Now I know exactly were he stood- just behind the door, leaning against the wall with a cat like smile on his face.

_(WHERE ARE THE PARAMEDICS?)_

I remember placing my mobile on a small table with a cactus on it. The cactus was only a few weeks old- a gift from a girl saying thank you for the help with moving in to the flat downstairs.

I remember stepping away and changing my mind as I grabbed it again. Just as my fingers wrapped around the square, cold metal I head the squeaking of shoes behind me. My heart froze as I realised that there was someone standing behind me and from the sound of their footsteps I knew they were about five times my size. I quickly considered what I could use as a weapon that was near me and in a swift movement I hit the Cactus towards him as I pressed number '1' on my speed dial.

_(He CANNOT hold on any longer! There's too much blood! We don't have five minutes!)_

The phone rang and I felt myself being thrown across the room and onto the glass table. I kicked up, getting him in the stomach, but also getting glass deeper into my side. I knew I should have brought an oak table.

I rolled over and pushed myself off the floor, yet my legs were grabbed and I was pulled back. I heard several pieces of decoration fall to the ground and smash. The mobile bounced and I heard yet another ring.

_(WE CANNOT LET HIM DOWN YET AGAIN!)_

Annie wasn't answering.

I remember how big his hands were around my legs and how easily he got up and snapped my leg.

My leg split like a piece of foam. I let out a small cry as a hand was placed over my lips. In his hand was the piece of material.

_(He's going into some sort of fit!)_

Blood fills my mouth and I know that it is not from the memory- the blood is from reality. I try to spit it out yet I cannot move my lips. I can barely breathe and I lean forwards clutching just over where my heart is.

In the memory the smell of the sweet chloroform took over my nose and senses making my limbs feel heavier. I slowly gave a last attempt to get the man off me as I slipped into the shadows in which I lived.

_(Auggie... I NEED SOME HELP HERE!)_

I shrink even smaller as the taste of blood makes me feel like I am going to be sick. I know the shadows are taking me and I let them.

Our trip isn't over yet. Is it?

_(BREATHE DAMN IT! AUGGIE __BREATHE__!)_

My lips feel warm for a second and the blood goes away. There is pressure on my chest and for a second I'm sure she's right next to me.

I slowly slit from the warm to the coldness waiting for me in my memories. I cannot hold on to the illusion of her.

It is an illusion, right?

_(Auggie?)_

Her voice whimpers my name yet I do not hold on. My memories are waiting.

_(Auggie. I lo...ou)_

I do not catch what she said as everything goes quiet.

I do not know if I am trapped in the shadows in which I have lived or the shadows of Death but I do know Death is right behind me.

* * *

So? Good? Bad? Please review but no flames. :D

This was one of the only workup chapters we are going to have. The questions from last chapter still remain in the case you have changed / made up your mind. Please review guys!

**Love,  
J.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: H**ey! Thank you for the amazing reviews- I love ALL of you. Sorry I didn't reply to all of them, my email sistem has DIED. :( It is Gone. Finished. Nada. Niente.  
Oh well, on a note, this chapter contains torture. I kept it a medium level (for me) and I need approval from you guys if that is the worst it can get or it I can get into more details. :D Sorry it isn't as big as last chapter. Love me anyway?  
Please, enjoy and review!

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_In the headlights locked down  
And terrified  
Your deer in the headlights  
Shut down and horrified when  
Push comes to pull comes to shove  
Comes to step around this  
Self-destructive dance  
That never would've ended 'til  
I rose,  
I roared aloud here  
I will,  
I am  
_**A Perfect Circle-** Rose

* * *

I have not seen in a very long time. Not a single flash of colour since the explosion which took my sight from me. Yet, as I stand in the hospital ward looking at my own body, I do not question it.

My face is battered and I look as if I am sleeping. My eyes shut tightly as the people in blue run around me in a hectic dance to save me. My body is far too still and I look at the palm of my hand which lays facing up, blood rolling from the cuts on my hands which I got when I managed to fight back. I watch as a single, round drop of pure red drips from the side of my still hand and falls through the air so very gently.

My eyes follow it and I feel drawn to it as everything moves in slow motion. The drop looks as if it is suspended in the air and more drops of red drip from my bodies' hand. My chest does not rise or fall and the closer I look the more little details I can see. My lips are a light shade of blue and my shirtless form is covered in blood. They are trying to stop the bleeding from the wound inflicted on me by the man who is to blame for me standing here.

I should hate the man who has done this to me. I have burns on my left leg and I'm sure most of the wounds of my chest will not go without leaving a little scar. The burn does not look too bad but I feel sick as the memory of the burn I got in the explosion that took my sight is pulled up. The smell of burnt flesh that had filled the air that day fill the room this very moment and I feel like fainting.

Am I even able to faint? Never mind. My mind runs back to the smell of burnt and I look at the leg. I have seen worst, that is very true, yet my mind will not stop running back to the man who did this to me.

I keep smelling the sickening smell of honey that will haunt me for the rest of my life no matter how short that will be. I know my life will not be long.

The smell of honey that is filling my nose is far more sickening than the smell of my burnt flesh.

Yet, I want to thank him. This is the first time I have seen in a very long time and as I watch the blood hit the floor like a river I move my sight away. Nobody looks at me- nobody can see me and as I lean over, looking down at my own face I can hear the weak attempts to beat from my heart. My heart is slowing and I can hear it as it is slowly dying. Each beat is a little weaker than the one before but stronger than the next. My still face looks dead and I slowly bring one of my own hands down to the chest that lies below me.

I do not touch the nearly lifeless body. What would happen if I were to? Would I return to my body or would I die? What do I want anyway?

I do not know if I want to return to life or not. What do I have to return for? He showed me the truth- he showed me how little everyone really cares. He showed me the truth and as I look at the people rushing I wonder what difference it will make if there is one less blind guy. Who do I have? My family stopped caring years ago and all I have is superficial.  
Superficial memories.  
Superficial friends.  
Superficial family.

I have nothing and this is the moment I choose. I choose if I am going to live or die. I choose if I can keep on living my perfect lie or if I want it to be over. I can choose to stay or go. I, for once, can to the cowardly thing and just let myself slip away. I don't know how but I know it is all up to me and whatever comes next. I am fully in control of Death's next finger. If I let go Death will finish his grip and I will be free.

No matter what happens or where I go, I will be free.

If I choose to live I do not know what will come next.

A dark skinned woman in blue places a hand on my forehead and as I look down at my body and her hand I wonder how many she has seen die. Her eyes seem too old for her gentle face.

She whispers a small prayer under her breath and I am grateful- I may not be religious but this is the first act of kindness I have seen (literally) in a very long time. She sends a small smile down at my body before removing her hand. The madness around us continues.

Life or death.

It all comes down to a few seconds.

It is all in my hands.

For the first time I, August Anderson, am completely in control of my own destiny.

The feeling frightens me.

I look around the room at the blurs of blue and in the far corner I see Him. The man in black who is here to take me away. The old man with messy gray hair and severe eyes that look like the eyes of the man who had placed me where I am.

If I go with him that will be it. The moment I allow him to grab me it is all over and everything I have lived through will have been for absolutely nothing. If I go with him I won't have to suffer anymore.

My eyes dart back to my nearly dead body and I see _it_.

In my left hand, where the blood I was watching is still falling, lies the only clue to the man who did this to me.

I watch the blood drip before looking at the man.

I have the choice many do not. I can die in the light in which I lived without for so very long or I can live in the shadows I have been trapped in.

I can suffer even longer or I can run like a scared kitten from the beast of life.

What do I do?

There is no choice as I watch the object which is the key to everything fall onto the ground. It falls almost soundlessly and the kind woman is the one who sees it.

She picks it up.

I look at the old man and turn to face him.

He moved one hand out for me to grab.

"You can't have me. Not yet." I turn around and place both of my hands on my own unmoving chest and darkness swallows me again.

(_We're losing him!_)

I swear that just for a second, the Doctor smiled and the old man shook his head as if to say 'children these days'.

(_He's fading!_)

I can feel the next few memories coming but before that I force my lips to move.

"T...th...e s..._'_h..el..." My mouth is full of blood and I am full of drugs. I am slipping into a sleep filled with memories. "A...n...e..." Pain fills me and the darkness feels safe compared to the light I was in moments earlier. The smells hit me and I cannot hold on. I feel so very lost. "T...el...A...ni...e..."

_(Tell her what?)_

It hurts. I want to cry at the pure agony. I just want this to be over. "T...el...A...ni...I...lo...l..ve..he'." I know what I say makes no sense but I know, I just know, that what I want to say is painted as clear as darkness is to my eyes on my bloody mess of a face. "A...ni...e."

(_Of course darlin'.)_

I want to smile at the woman but I'm too far gone. I simply make a few sounds that form the one word that kept me going.

"_A...ni...e_." _Annie_.

_(Just hold on.)_

I'm trying. God I'm trying.

_19__th__ December, 01:00am. _

I remember waking up as frozen water hit me in the face, the chair I was on rocked with unsteady feet.

It smelt of honey, sweat and blood.

His footsteps were an average weight as he walked around me. He knew I could not see him and because of the tape over my mouth I could not speak. My broken leg had been snapped back wrong and knew they did not care. The pain was only going to get worse.

He ran his cold fingers over my chest and as he walked around me his fingers traced my shoulder and they stopped moving just on the crook of my neck. His fingers tightened around it and as he moved his grip into my hair before pulling my head back.

The chair rocked.

I could smell his minty breath as he moved even closer and the warmth of his breath ran down my neck and made me feel sick.

I was completely and utterly trapped.  
I was so very scared.

"Hello." He was smiling. I could hear his smile in his voice. "You must be August." My reply was suffocated by the tape. I could barely breathe as my hear ran far too fast making it impossible to breath enough. I felt as if I was about to faint again. "No, no, no. You cannot faint again kiddo. The fun has not begun yet." He ripped the tape off and I let out a small squeak.

"Do you know who I am?" He moved his hand from my hair and my head seemed to fall forwards. The bracelet which was tied around his wrist scratched my neck and I knew his name.  
"Yes... you're..." A scream broke off my sentence. It took a second for it to register it was my own scream.

(_We've stopped the bleeding._)

"Yes or no answers August." His tone was mocking. "Do you know why you are here?" His voice seemed to come from my other side.  
I remember swallowing the iron blood from where I had bitten my lip.

No. I refuse to allow myself to get dragged into the memory.

It's over now.

My own voice is distant as I block off the memory. "Screw you." Another scream. I try to block out what's around me. I cannot yet the man from the hospital theatre is standing behind me.

"What are you thinking?"

_(What was this lad thinking when he took on a man twice his size?)_

The man asks me the question at the exact same second the man in my memory asks me.

_(Maybe he just wanted to live.)_

My memory spits a mouthful of blood at him, "How to kill you." I turn my head away from my memory as I hear his answer. He tells me I'm wrong.

_(Let's home he keeps hold to that wish.)_

The sound of crunching and a cry fills the silence behind me and I know that in my memory I have not passed out yet. I know that past me will not pass out for a while yet and what has passed is not even the beginning.

It's nearly time. Death's grip is getting tighter and we need to hurry. How long do we have? It cannot be long- I have enough energy to do one of two things.

One: go back to Annie even if just for a short amount of time.

Two: I stay in this memory and loose myself even faster.

The third option, letting Death catch me, does not really count yet. Does it?

I smile for the first time in what feels like years. Is there really a choice?

_25__th__ December, 11:11am. _

The hospital is a stale white. The chairs are plane and wooden. The table is the same shade of wood but has an abandoned toy a child dropped on it.

The teddy bear used to have black buttons for eyes yet they have fallen off. Its head is tilted and stuffing is half-out of the rip on his side. Dust has piled on it and nobody has or is returning for it. Maybe its owner was visiting and maybe its owner is dead.

The teddy just sits, waiting for somebody to collect it and love it no matter what condition it has been placed in by somebody who just felt spiteful.

There are little marks of crosses where its eyes (buttons) used to be. One paw is firmly placed above the head so it is waving. Or maybe reaching out. Maybe the bear is reaching out, begging for somebody to pick it up and show it that it is still worth more than trash and dust.

I can relate Bear. Trust me, I really can relate.

I look as a blonde woman reaches out and picks the bear up in-between her slender white fingers. Her eyes are red from crying and she sits in the wooden chair leaning forwards. Her blond hair is over half of her face. There is nobody else in the room which we are in. The carpet is a dirty yellow with small, red drips on it. Her hands are stained with blood she hasn't managed to completely was off.

She wears jeans what used to be a white shirt. It has blood on it from where she wiped her hands when the blood was still fresh. Her silky blonde hair is a mess from her moving her hands through it. There is a stain (splatter) of blood on the side of her face and her bottom lip is bleeding from her biting it.

She looks a mess- a very beautiful, yet broken mess. I wonder who she is waiting to know about. She moves the bear in-between her fingers as she makes it wave to her. She lets out the love child of a sob and a laugh as more diamond tears fall down her face.

The blood covers up the faint trace of her perfume. I know that the perfume is there but I cannot catch it, the sudden reintroduction of sight is confusing me and my senses.

She holds the bear in one hand when the other hand seems to levitate over the bear's little face. The bear suddenly seems small in its broken state and as she places her other hand onto the side of the bear's face and rubs her thumb over the stitching she moves it closer to her, clinging to it.

She holds it on her lap, directly under her face.

_Tap._

A tear rolls down her face and all the way down her little nose. The tear pauses on the tip of her nose for a tiny second before landing where the bear's eyes used to be.

I swear the bear is smiling as she holds it in her hands.

I look around the room again, seeing that she truly is alone. The dirty glass around this little room lets the shape of people passing through but nothing else. The door is big and heavy. The flowers in the corner are dead.

_Tap._

She sobs and moves the hand she had been tracing the stitching with over her mouth as if to trap the sound. I can hear her racing heart.

I wonder who she is waiting for. She wears no ring so I presume she is not married but maybe it is a boyfriend or girlfriend she is crying for?

Why is nobody with the beautiful blonde? Does she have no family or is the person she is waiting for her only family?

I am mesmerised by her movements and she seems to slowly rock forwards and backwards like a scared child. Her eyes are shut and I can practically hear her begging for this to be a dream. Her grip around the bear gets tighter.

_Tap.  
Tap.  
T..._

_Click._

The door opens and the woman's head snaps up. I recognise the woman from earlier and for a second I swear she looks at me.

It must be my mind playing more tricks.

The blonde practically jumps to her feet as she lets the bear fall. The bear hits the edge of the chair and almost bounces off it before hitting the tiny table with the dead flowers. It balances there, half on and half off.

Caught between life and death.

_God_ I can relate.

_(Miss Walker?)_

The woman in blue smiles as she says the words and I realise the blond is Annie. The beautiful blonde I have been watching is **my** beautiful blonde. I do not know when she became mine but the term seems almost fitting. After all, she is part of the reason I am like the bear. I am caught in the middle.

I'm not really here or there.

_(Yes?)_

Her voice... The blond is Annie. Annie was crying for me. I wonder why. Why would Annie cry for me? As she says the one word she sounds desperate, she is not composed and I am confused.

_(Is he okay? Is Auggie going to make it?)_

Annie asks the two questions so fast they almost sound like one word. I take a step closer behind her. She's shaking from the cold and the mix of emotions running through her. I swear she has lost weight and she looks as if she has not slept in days.

The Doctor's kind face looks as if she is also about to cry. She looks as if she has not slept for twice as long as Annie has and she looks like she is barely breathing.

_(Maybe you should sit down Miss Walker.)_

The Doctor indicates to the chair Annie was sitting in and Annie's heart races even faster.

_(I CANNOT sit down any longer! What is going on?)_

I know Annie does not mean to sound mean or harsh but her tone is cutting. I automatically reach out to touch her shoulder.

She freezes yet does not turn to look at where I am.

Her heart is slowing down.

_(Please Doctor...)  
(Jacky.)  
(Please Doctor Jacky... I'm Auggie's friend. I care about him.)_

I smile. I cannot help it.

She said she cares.

Half of me is crying with relief and the other half cannot, will not, believe it. Why should she care about me? I'm a dead weight, he was right. I'm not worth half of her in any shape or form.

_(Miss Walk...)_

The Doctor gets half of Annie's surname out before Annie interrupts.

_(Annie. My name is Annie.)_

The Doctor freezes and asks if her name is Annie, as if to make sure it is her. I see her hand go into her pocket and I know her fingers are wrapping around the small object I gave.

I'm silently begging her to know what it means. Annie confirms her name is, indeed Annie, before asking why.

_(When Mr. Anderson woke up he tried to call for you- it was not clear what he was trying to say but he dropped this and said your name.)_

She gives Annie the small, white shell and Annie takes it her hands.

Please Annie. Please work it out.

Her eyes widen a fraction as she recognises the shell.

_(Mr. Anderson also said to tell you something- he wanted you to know he cares very much.)_

_Thud. _

There is the sudden sound of running as a nurse runs to Jackie. I already know what is wrong.

I lean forwards with an agonised cry and press my hand against my chest. I know my heart has stopped. It was not strong enough. Jacky runs back with the nurse and Annie pauses before looking at the bear.

The bear lies still on the dirty yellow carpet, lying on its side and it looks like it is waving goodbye.

Annie runs after the Doctor and nurse.

I fall to the ground, my knees hitting the floor hard and my head bowed down.

The man from earlier is kneeling in front of me and as I slip into the friendly darkness I only have one thought.

The bear is no longer smiling.

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So? Good? Bad? Please review but no flames! All mistackes are mine and I haven't slept in days so... *shrug* :)

I did not really like this chapter but it was necessary for next chapter to make sense. Seeing that Auggie used to be able to see, surely his soul (_if _you believe in souls) should be able to see right? All opinions are gold. Really. This girl is going out of her little mind with mothers with mood swings, mean fathers, ex friends and distant friends. ;-P  
The questions from the last few chapters remain. To let Auggie live or not to let Auggie live. That is the question for you guys to answer!

**Love,  
J**.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: H**ey! Okay... I'm SO sorry about the delay- I've been to Hell and back over the last few days!  
I'm really grateful for all the feedback and my use of this little note will be to thank ALL of you. :)

I know my chapters have many mistackes in (this note probably will) but I am not English. I have only lived in England three years and I'm still learning- I hope you guys don't hate me because I do try very hard. :D

Hope you guys enjoy this next chapter. X

_

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_

_I can't hold back, I'm on the edge_  
_(I can't hold back)_  
_Your voice explodes inside my head_  
_Girl it's too late to turn back now_  
_another shooting star goes by_  
_and in the night silence speaks to you and I_  
_and now the time has come at last_

**Survivor –** I Can't Hold Back

_

* * *

_

I awake with a sudden breath, my heart is pounding in the middle of my ears.

It's hard to tell if I am awake or not.

Are my eyes open?

Everything hurts.

_(Auggie... Please, if you can hear me, wake up.)_

I blink, finding my eyes are not open and I cannot help but look at the plain room around me.

_(Auggie, keep on fighting.)_

The wall had once been white yet it is a dirty colour now, scratches all over it. There is an area where the paint has peeled off and the old wall behind it is visible to anyone who looks at it. The floor is a stale white. The room smells of chemicals and soap.

I keep looking at the wall; I'm not ready to look at the people yet. I promise I will look in a second.

_(Auggie I...)_

I ignore the sound of her perfect voice. I have to- I'm not ready to go back now. I don't know if I want to go back or if I want it to be over. Am I strong enough to keep going? I don't think I will ever be the same again after all that has happened. My mind no longer feels like I own it.

I look at the small wooden table next to the metal bed. On it are no flowers or cards. There is not a single decoration or wish for the person in the bed. There is no sign of anyone but the person sitting next to the bed wanting him to get better. It's pitiful that one lifetime only means something to one person.

On the left of the small table is a small picture, drawn in red crayon. The picture is of a stickman, he is waving yet his face is sad. I tilt my head as I look at the shaky lines. The picture is tiny, yet the small smudges are because of age. I wonder how long it has been here.

How many has it seen die and how many has it seen live?

Which one am I going to be?

Which one do I want to be?

I shift my gaze once again, this time to the blankets.

They used to be white, I note dully as I look at them. They are a dirty gray now, old stains not completely washed off them. Very much like everything in this room. The blue blanket on the top is made of a scratchy material, simply placed there because the man who lies under the blankets is too out of it to care. His head has sunk deep into the pillow and his eyes are shut, eyelids are flickering every so often.

He's trapped inside a dream of a dream.

Is it a dream or a nightmare?

I have not seen what I look like in a very long time, yet as I look at my still body I miss my safe darkness.

Funny. Don't you think?

With Merc... with him I hated the darkness because not knowing what came next was a torture alone, never mind the pain mixed with the darkness.

Now, I have to see what has been done to me.

I really can't win can I?

_(We looked for you- we were so very close...)_

Annie's voice is gentle in the back of my mind but I'm not listening.  
I no longer care if she is part of my broken mind or if she is real.

She's just a part of my dream.  
I am sure of it.

Am I?  
Not really... I just don't care anymore.

I don't really think I care about anything. Not anymore.

I look at my still body and I feel like I'm about to be sick.

_(I... You died twice back there. The doctors nearly gave up.)_

I wish they had.  
No. I don't.

My body is a broken mess. My right eye is swollen and black; my face is deadly a mix of purple and white. I look far too pale compared to the sickly purple. The gray blankets and bright blue only makes me look worse. I have no nails left on my swollen fingers, just dried blood.

My right arm is practically shattered. I shiver as I remember the sickly sound of it as he stamped on it. It is ridiculous but even trapped where I am, I'm afraid of him.

I hate myself for being such a coward but I'm scared of him.

I watch Annie take my hand onto her lap and gently trace the small cuts. I want to hold her yet as she leans over towards me I feel myself stop breathing. Her face is close to mine, so close that our faces are nearly touching. She moves closer, moving her lips to be directly above my skin.

I silently beg her to kiss my still lips so that I have a reason to wake up. That is all I really want – I want somebody to give me a single reason to live. Just one. Surely somebody must be able to give me a reason to go on... Do I not deserve to live? I want to. God I want to but unless I have a reason to live why should I bother? It's all up to me. I am in control with the choice but at the very same time I am in control of absolutely nothing. I am just a leaf falling from a tree – maybe someone will keep me or maybe I will be stamped on and ripped as people walk on me. I'm already damaged, unbearably so, but with death I will sink under the soil and be forgotten.

I should be in control of the game. It is my life and death after all but I know I am in control of nothing.

They are. The people in my stupid little life are in control.  
They choose to keep me or loose me.

Annie decides.

The blonde woman who sits next to my dying body holds my fate in her small hands and she doesn't even know it.

She looks as if she is going to kiss my lips, and I dare to hope she will. I silently beg her to do it and show me I have a reason to stay.

She hesitates in her movement, looking down at my lips.

I keep on staring at how her blonde hair falls over her face and how I cannot name the emotion in her eyes. It is a mix of regret, fear, sadness and something else. I have not seen that look in so very long – I cannot name it. I try desperately yet I cannot find a name for it.

She looks at my lips.

I silently beg her to kiss me.

She moves closer.

I keep on hoping.

Her lips part a little.

I cannot help but hope.

She places a small kiss on my forehead.

My heart breaks into tiny little pieces.

_(Please get better Auggie – I need my best friend.)_

No.

If I thought my heart was broken before, I had no idea what was coming next. My eyes move away from the bed, to the corner of the room where Death stands in the shadows. His gaze is knowing and I feel my throat get tighter. That will be all I will ever be to her- I will only be the blind friend. He was right when he told me it is... was... pity.

Should I use the present tense or the past tense? Neither seems fitting.

I'm not dead but I'm not alive.

I'm just... I'm just here. With you and Death.

The man steps closer to me. He has no smell and makes no sound as he moves to stand next to me- I instantly flinch away but I know he is not here to hurt me. He moves gently and he does not look at me. He looks at Annie as she placed my hand back onto the bed.

"You know who I am." He does not say it like a question so I do not answer. I do not look at him, I simply look at my still body. I hate him... Me. I hate me. I hate the man lying still in that bed. He does not deserve love- he never has. Who could love a broken mess like us? "And I know who you are." I keep my eyes on the machine next to the bed. My heartbeat is not steady but I hate it for being there. It does not belong here.

"You know the choice, don't you?" I nod. "Do you know what you want?" My eyes fall onto Annie. She has already given me the answer I was asking for, yet I am still looking for a reason to live.

I only need one.

He lets out a sigh and places a hand on my shoulder, looking saddened at how quickly I flinch away. "You don't, do you?" Of course I do.

I want to live.  
No. I want to die.  
No. I want to forget.  
No.  
I don't know.

What am I expected to answer? Is there a correct answer or if I get it wrong will I receive yet another wound?

I know what I want- I want a reason to live. I know I keep saying it but it's true. All I need is Annie to give me a reason to hold on.

_(I have to go now... I'll be back later. I promise.)_

I watch her elegantly get up from the chair before leaving, not even glancing at me. I don't see the look on her face but I have the feeling there is no need to. She's just worried for her best friend. It is as simple as breathing. She is worried for a friend who will never be anything more. He was right about that too. He was right about nearly everything.

"Everybody leaves." The old man says the words gently. "You just need to decide if they are worth suffering for." His eyes seem to look at where she had been with a feeling of déjà vu. "Is she worth living for? She might never love you in the way you love her."  
I look at him just as sadly as he looks at me and for a moment his old eyes look familiar. "She won't. I'm her best friend. It will always be him she loves in the way I love her."

It is true. I hate it but it is.  
This is the story of my life.

I replay her earlier movements in my head. I remember her leaning as close as she could without touching me and how she had looked at me with the look I could not name. I try to name it as I remember her slightly moving the angle of her head as her eyes shut and her warm lips touched my cold, almost gray skin. I want to cry as the image of the kiss remains still in my head for me to analyse. It hurts far more than any form of torture he used. It hurts more than anything I have ever felt before.

Why? The reason is simple. The kiss she placed on my forehead was not a kiss to tell me to get better or a kiss to remind me what I have to lose. It was not a kiss of love or a kiss of affection. As I see it in my head I feel the bile rise up in my throat as the kiss' real meaning stains me and burns me like acid. I desperately do not want to admit there is a meaning to the kiss other than the affection I desperately want but I know it is there.

The kiss Annie Walker placed on my forehead was a kiss which shouted 'goodbye'.  
She does not believe I will make it- maybe even she does not realise that is what she thinks but I saw it. As her eyes shut and her lips touched my skin there was no other meaning there apart from her saying goodbye to me. She does not think I am strong enough to make it and that was her way of telling me that before leaving so she will not have to watch me die.

I tighten my fists and look at Death. I can see it on his face he can see how lost I feel.  
How could he not?

My entire world is falling towards the ground at the speed of sound and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I cannot do anything right- I don't even know if I want to live.

I'm pathetic, just like he said.

The look Death gives me is a kind, fatherly look- the kind of look I never got off my father yet one I always longed for. I never got it because I was never the best. My brothers were always that bit better and I never stood a chance.

"You do not have long to choose." He says the words sadly as he maintains eye contact. "You have to tell me if you want to stay or go- if you do not the choice will be taken from you and given to someone else to make. If you choose that then your life will be in another's hands and they will not know it." Death places a hand on my arm and I move closer to the warmth coming from his hand. I had not realised how cold I am until now. I'm freezing and he is fire.  
"How would they choose?" I glance at him nervously yet he smiles.  
"They would have to save you- you would have no control over anything. You would only be able to watch." Death almost seems nervous and the idea almost makes me laugh. I don't think I can laugh anymore. It hurt to even smirk.

Nothing feels natural anymore.

"Do many people choose that one?" I cannot stop the words from coming out, yet he does not look annoyed at me. He smiles at me and I feel as if I should be seeking his approval.

I do not know why but I don't feel scared as he stands next to me.

His laugh is short yet sweet, a deep laugh from the pit of his stomach. "Not many people get the choice August."

I look at him and we both know what I will choose.

I trust her more than anything.

Why? Because it is always _Annie_ who decides what happens to me next- she may not realise it, but she will always be the one holding the playing cards. It has always been her and it will always be her.

**19th December, 05.00am.**

I know I am in a memory the moment I hear the words.  
"What are you thinking?" His voice is deep and scratchy and I swallow as I remember this memory. I had woken up four hours earlier after being taken and I was tied to a chair being beaten for giving the wrong answers.  
"Killing... you." I hear myself gasp out the words and I can taste the blood in my mouth. I am in the darkness I both love and loathe. It is the darkness these memories are made of and the darkness my memories of Annie are made of. I loathe these memories but my memories of her are all I have.  
"_Wrong answer_."

In the memory there is another blow and the sound of my body hit the ground at the chair finally lost its balance and fell.

"What are you thinking?" I know that this memory is just another thing in the past yet as every sound and taste happens again I am only glad I cannot feel the pain.  
"I... already... t-told you." There is the sound of a leg moving quickly in the air before hitting into my body, cracking a rib and causing me to cry out. I remember how I tried to curl into a ball, not really meaning to, but only succeeded in causing more pain. I hear my own whimper and his laugh.

"_Wrong answer_."

Can you hear it? That small whimper in the silence is the summary of the pure fear and agony which was running through my beaten body. The sound of his bitter and cruel laugh is the summary of everything I fear and hate. Even now, safe in the bubble I am in, I flinch away from the sound and move back, trying to add distance between us. I move away from him like a scared kitten.

You are probably laughing at me. I wouldn't blame you if you were but as another mouthful of blood fills my mouth- in both the memory and our present- fear is all I can feel.

_(Good morning kiddo!)_

The voice is in the back of my mind, yet it makes me jump. The voice is faded and strange, it feels odd. I cannot name it just like I could not name the look in Annie's eyes. I still cannot name it- it was a warm look yet it was so mixed with other emotions I could not see what it was.

_(Can you hear me?)_

The memory keeps on going and I can hear the sound of him bending over, his knees letting out a small click. I can remember the feeling of his warm and sticky hand as he grabbed my face and put pressure on the battered sides.

"Okay. A simpler question." I remember trying to pull away as he tightened his grip and the smell of my own blood on his hands made me feel as if I was about to be sick. I have the same feeling as I am being pulled between this memory and Annie's present. I am being torn between this dream and Annie's reality. "Why are you here?"

"I don't know."

The sound of another kick, directed at my leg that time.

_(You really need to wake up.)_

"Don't lie to me." His tone his like the tone of an annoyed teacher talking to a small child. "Why are you here August?"  
"I don't know!" There is the sound of another kick and my crying out. There was an overdose of panic in my voice as I tried to work out what he wanted me to say. I didn't... I truly did not know why I was there.

No. That's a lie.  
Deep down I knew.

"Really? Are you that stupid?" He was mocking me with every syllable. He knew I could not answer yet he punished me when I tried. We both knew I could not win. He had every possible advantage. I was tired, beaten, blind, unable to fight back and trapped... I was scared of him and I knew how slim my chances were of living another hour.

I still do not know how I'm still here.

_(Geesh, you're just like a cockroach... You just won't die, will you?)_

I shiver at the smell that fills my nose, slowly choking me. It smells of spice and worst of all honey.

I used to love honey, it was one of those things I always had plenty of yet now the smell (and that laugh) will haunt me in my wildest nightmares.

It is all I can smell as I feel myself slipping between here and there.

There is only one problem which reaches my mind as I sudden feel the blankets on me.

The closer I get to waking up, the stronger the smell gets. Why? Because the smell of honey is not in my memory. The smell is in the present I am waking up in.

_(Come on – I need you awake for the real **fun** to begin!)_

He's here...

I can feel his hands moving my useful arm so that it in his grip and I cannot try anything. His other hand moves onto my lips and my heart stops.

I wish I meant that literally.

As my eyes flicker open and the darkness remains my cage I can only listen.

My heart is going too fast.

It feels as if it is going to break out of my chest.

_(I think we need a little talk.)_

He's here...

I put my fate in Annie's hands but she is not here.

I'm alone and he can kill me within the blink of an eye.

I put my fate in Annie's hands yet she left so she wouldn't have to watch me die.

I'm alone in the shadows I once lived in and the shadows I am dying in.

My death may be seconds away yet I am frozen in my blind panic.

I cannot move.

_(You really aren't meant to be alive right now.)_

I wish I wasn't.

_(This isn't in the plan so I'll have to improvise. And guess what?)_

He sounds too jolly. It scares me. He lets go of my good arm and places his hand in my hair.

My heart is racing faster than I believed possible.

_(You, my little dead friend, are going to help me.)_

No... My urge is to scream for Annie, scream for help in general but I know even if somebody –anybody- came, he would kill them before the person come to help could even register what is going on. Even if I wanted to scream I would not be able to. His fingers are pressed over my mouth with such a force I can feel the small cuts on my lips reopen.

New blood drips into my dry mouth and causes me to choke, yet I am unable to move and rid myself of the iron like substance which I am far too familiar with.

I want Annie to be here with all my heart but as the force on my lips gets harder and the grip around my 'good' arm increases, all I can do is listen to the monitor beep faster as my heart triples in speed.

Maybe this is how I am going to die- alone.

I do not want to help him but the little I have to lose is in his hands. He can harm Annie before I can even breathe and we both know it.

Maybe this is how I am going to die- by his hands.

_(Whether you like it or not.)_

Maybe this is how I am going to die – By his hands and afraid.

_(Oh, if only you knew what this new plan involves.)_

This is how I am dying- without pride and no bravery involved.

_(We are going to have **SO** much fun!)_

This is how I will die.

Hoping for Annie to be here. Just for once. But she never is- nobody is ever here unless they want something from me. It has been this was for all my life. Me being the last option yet always there when people have something to gain.

I never learn.

Never, in my entire life, has somebody ever truly been there for me without wanting something. And I, like the fool I am, go along with it every single time because I always hope that they will stay- if only for a while.

In my times of desperate need and in my times of loneliness or sorrow I am always alone because at those times nobody has anything to gain. Even after what happened to me and the loss of my sight I was alone for a long time. I was left in the shadows to feel my way around.

Why? Because I never learn.

At least, I never learnt before. Death was right when he said that they always leave. They do.

I have learnt now, the hard the way but I have learnt. I now realise how useless my time has been and how little I mean to people.

I was born alone and I will die alone. Nobody has ever spared me a second glance and I know nobody will. It's only life but it still hurts to know what a waste of time it has been for me.

I have never been loved, I have only loved. The people I love always hurt me and those who hurt me I cannot help but worship.

I'm like a lost dog. I'm damaged and broken beyond repair and nobody wants me. I am useless.

I placed my life in Annie's hands and I know that very much like sand, it will slip from between her fingers before she even realises it was there to begin with.

I smile at my comparison between me and sand but it is completely true. Even when I am gone I will be replaced with yet another me. There is always more of me if you bother looking.

My death shall happen when the last grain of sand falls and she will not even notice.

Only I and Death shall know when the very last grain of sand is stolen by the South wind.

_(You might as well stop pretending you can't hear me. I know you're awake.)_

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_S_o? I hope you enjoyed this chapter! There will soon be a poll on my page to vote if you want for Auggie living... or dying. :) Till then I will keep asking here: What do you want to happen?

PLEASE, please, please review! The quicker you do, the quicker you know what happens to Auggie, Annie, Jay, Ben... And the other characters! :D

**Love,  
J.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: H**ey! I'm SO sorry about the delay just that I've had some bad things going on in my life. My grandad has bowel cancer and lung cancer, his skin condition is getting worse and the other week he injured himself by falling over. He was too weak to get up and would have bled to death if he had not been found. His wife, my nan, is suffering a great deal because of stress and her own face condition which make talking very painful. Their oldest son, my dad's big brother, had a stroke closely followed by a heart attack. He had surgery not too long ago but he doesn't seem any better. My father is heartbroken. The bullying at my school has been steadily getting worse as my friends have chosen to abandon me as I 'ruin their reputations'... The week I turned fifteen and I've been away in London with my dad.  
:( I wish I could promise I will be better with updates but I truly cannot... I will try harder though. I'm not very happy with this chapter but the next chapter, already written, is far better. I'm sorry if this chapter isn't that good but I truly did try. I know many of you are annoyed at me and have every right to be but I** AM** sorry. Please review anyway.

* * *

_A hundred days have made me older  
since the last time I saw your pretty face  
A thousand lies have made me colder  
and I don't think I can look at this the same  
but the miles that separate  
disappear now I'm dreaming of your face._  
**  
3 Doors Down **– _Here Without You_

* * *

My heart is pounding in my chest with the force of a hammer.

Each blow against my ribs makes me feel weaker.

It was meant to be over... I was meant to be safe.

But he's here.

_(Welcome back August.)_

I find myself unable to focus on anything as my breathing triples in speed. I want to be able to see him... I want nothing more than to look see his eyes when he takes my life but I'm stuck in these cruel shadows.

For the first time, I truly realise how weak I am in comparison to everyone else. I'm pitiful.  
I make even me sick.

_(Nothing to say to me?)_

I mumble something about screaming for help but he simply laughs as his grip in my hair gets three times tighter. He is stronger than me- I know he would be even if I were at my full strength. We both know I won't go down without a fight but in my current condition it wouldn't be much of a fight.

He has every possible advantage. He is larger, stronger and more... _able_ than I am. It's a disappointing death when you think about it. I always hoped my death would be the opposite of my life...

I always hoped that my death would be worth something- that it would actually help someone else.  
I wanted my death to be worth the effort of wasting all of those these stuck in life.

_(Scream then. Go on. But just so you know, I have six bullets very eager to be placed in that pretty young nurses' head the moment she stops speaking to her mommy. She can't be very old...)_

I feel sick as his words sink in.

He's giving me a choice... No. He's not. He is giving me the illusion of a choice. He knows I would never place my life above the life of another. He knows it and he is using that fact against me.

I think I saw her earlier, walking past the door with a glass of water in-between her hands.

We both know I would never willingly allow him to harm another person even if I have to receive the blow instead of them. If I cry for help then her life will be ended and mine spared... the lives of everyone he will hurt over the course of his life will be saved and he will stopped from hurting anyone else. The cost is one young girl's life.

Just another girl I've never even spoken to. A girl whose life has never truly affected mine. Just another girl possibly killed in the name of a greater cause.

I can hear her talking on the phone, telling her mother how friendly everyone is being and how she shouldn't call her when she is working. My heart breaks as she sadly states that she also misses her dad but she's not going to go anywhere.

Her voice is young and sweet, it's clear that she is kind. I want to cry as the option dares to slip into my mind once again. Her life for the lives of so many others.

She lets out a small giggle as she tells her mom that there aren't any really good looking boys also training to be _proper_ nurses- I can imagine her blush on her olive skin. When I saw her I didn't really register her but the image of her now replays in my mind. She's tall, a good two inches taller than me and her long fiery dyed red hair reaches her waist even when it's pulled into such a high ponytail. Are her small black eyebrows raised as she speaks?

She's a skinny girl, and I know the bullet would cut through her with far more ease than they did with me. The bullet would slice through her flesh, muscle and bone in a blink of an eye. I feel sick as I see her death in my mind. She lets out another giggle as she tells her mom to keep everything a PG rating for her baby girl.

She's a mother.

She quickly states that if she is caught on the phone she'll be in trouble but she also tells her mother to tell Lulu that mommy loves her.

_(I wonder how old little Lulu is.)_

His voice is highly amused. Everything is taking turns in such ways that they are helping him. But I cannot help but listen to the next few words that leave the girl's lips.

It's clear she used to have a lisp and she's only starting to develop confidence in herself. She tells her mother to tell Lulu that mommy is sorry she couldn't be there for Christmas but she'll make it up to her later.

She's just more than a kid herself- she can't die on Christmas Day... She has a baby to go home to. Her family is waiting for her. I could never be the reason she never sees her baby again. I know it would save many, but I can't...

What would you do?

_(So? One cry would save you but it would ruin her little baby's Christmas. Going to scream?)_

She's just another girl.

_(Make up your mind.)_

The sudden pressure on my wound makes me let out a small whimper as my teeth grind together to stop me from crying out. I whimper a small 'no'. I could never do that... The reason for my joining this job was to help people not saving myself over others.

I'd never be able to do that.

I suddenly wish I had told Death I wanted to die. Things would be so much easier.

_(Good choice.)_

I can hear her place the phone down as another nurse calls the name Charlie. She quickly runs towards the voice and I know my chances of running away from death like she did are slim.

What's happening to me?

Just a second ago I wanted to be dead and now I'm wishing that I could be able to run from Death. Do I even know what I want anymore? I really don't think I do. Every second brings a new choice and with every choice I have to make I feel myself slip two steps back- wanting to make the previous choice again.

When I first lost my sight I had felt lost... I had been trapped in my own mind and too weak to tell people to stop trying to help me. That was the only other time I ever wanted to die apart from these past few days.

But I forced myself to live like I'm doing now.

I am unsure whether to laugh or cry.  
Should I die or live?

It's not going to be long... Whatever he is planning, it will be the end of me. I was never meant to make it this far but I did. And now I'm going to pay the price for living.

_(We should get going.)_

What? No. I try to pull out of his grip once again, more desperate than before. The moment I go with him it will really be the end.

Silently, I laugh.

I'm pathetic. I don't even know what I want and I'm about to die.

I feel like I did when I was a child, shoved into the lake at the end of the garden by my oldest brother. I can still remember it- it was the first time I nearly died. I was five years old and he was ten, our parents didn't have time for me because I was the middle child. Not the baby and not the eldest, not talented at anything. I gave my parents no reason to notice me.

Dominic on the other hand... He was perfection in the eyes of everyone. If you were to ask my mother, and this still stands to this day, she would pick him as her favourite. I've never minded, at that tender age he was my idol after his perfection being shoved down my throat every day.

As bad as it sounds, I have never been what my parents wanted from me.

That day I'd followed my big brother, wanting somebody to play with. I can still remember my little blue jeans and my orange t-shirt. My hair had been stuck to my face by the rain, nearly touching my shoulders with its little dark curls.

I'd forgotten about that day until recently – it was just another faded moment. But now I know that in that precise moment, when my brother shoved me into the freezing water and the darkness swallowed me, I know that that moment was the first time.

That was the first time I met Death.

At the time, Death had been a little girl in a yellow dress, blonde curls on her smiling face and she had been holding a daffodil with a missing petal. I still remember that at the time she had reached out to take my hand I had nearly grabbed it. I had tried to, my small arms moving in the freezing water with a weight they had never truly held before. My small fingers had been less than a millimetre from hers when I had been pulled out of the water with a harsh speed.

So what is this? My second, third or fourth meeting with Death? Maybe even more.

The first time I had been saved by my other older brother Samuel. He was thirteen at the time and the 'rebel' of the family, a thing which hasn't changed all these years later. Last I heard from him he was on a tour with his friends playing his drums and guitar anywhere people would listen.

I'm never going to talk to him again, am I?

Maybe if I had accepted their offer to join none of this would have happened. I would never have joined the CIA and I would never have joined the army.  
Maybe I would still be able to see and Annie and Jai would be together.

Maybe if I had drowned that day the world would be a better place.

Would me dying make any difference?

I think he was the only member of my family who ever truly cared about that one, unloved kid in such a large family. After the incident at the lake Dominic and me never truly spoke again. He never said sorry and I never followed him again. It was just another reason for my parents to ignore me- I upset their perfect little Dominic. I had provoked him into his reaction. It was all my fault.

It was branded my fault by my parents when I nearly drowned and it has been branded my fault what He plans to happen next.

Death allowed me to live and now it's almost Death's turn to make up for all the lost chances to take me away.

_(Auggie, Auggie... She's not coming.)_

When I see the colour around me I know my body must be close to death. My head hurts at the sudden burst of colour and it takes a second for me to work out where I am. I don't recognise the room yet I recognise the beautiful blonde. She's sitting on the cream sheets of the bed, her face resting on her knees.

I know she was sent home to get some rest. I don't question how I know because all I can do I watch as the other woman (Annie's sister?) pulls her into a tight embrace. Annie looks so fragile in her gray sweatpants and baggy top it breaks my heart. If she cares so much about her _best friend_- God I hate that term- how would she be able to cope with the fact it was the man she loves who did this to me?

She wouldn't, I know that much and it kills me (please ignore the irony) to know. She'd blame me... It would be me she would hate. If I chose to live I'll be bringing all the pain of the truth down onto her.

I don't want her to suffer but I don't want him to get away with what he has done. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know because all I can do is watch Annie curl up against her sister's body and sob her heart out.

What story would she have told her sister?

"She told her a blind friend of hers was mugged and beaten half to death." Death's voice makes me jump yet I cannot look away from Annie. She looks like the doll my sister Summer used to play with... I can still remember how hard she cried when Dominic snapped the doll in half. "She hates herself for not being able to protect you."  
"Because I'm her best friend." My eyes flicker to Him as I state the obvious.  
"She cares about you." Death moves to stand next to me. "That much is true."  
I laugh- it feels as if I'm going against the very nature of the occasion by laughing but I can't help it. "Yeah... She cares."

I move to the other side of the bed and sit next to where Annie is, watching how the blankets don't seem to realise there is an added weight on them.

Annie shivers and gently whispers that she's cold as my hand rests on her shoulder. It's like a bad romance film where he loves her but dies so he's left to haunt her. When I move my hand she glances at where it had been.

She looks away within seconds.

I don't know if I want to laugh or cry. This is exactly like a crap romance novel.

"Annie?" I whisper her name as if there is any hope of her hearing me. "Annie?" I don't need Death to tell me she cannot hear but I need to try. Her eyes flicker as if she heard me but she looks away quicker than a heartbeat. Her sister tells her she's going to make soup as she gets up to walk away and Annie placed her face into the fluffy white pillow.

"Annie, I know you probably can't hear me but I'm right here." My hand shakes above her shoulder and I suddenly want to hug her so much it _hurts_. "I need your help, please... Just think Annie. Think." She rolls onto her back and I find myself looking down at the marks her tears made. She looks like a panda with the state her makeup is in. She's still the prettiest girl I've ever seen though. "Please Annie, I'm right here." My hand gently traces the side of her face and she shivers once again, as if there's a cold breeze running over her. "I need your help Annie. If you don't save me I don't think I'll make it."

_(Don't worry. We have a nice little plan for you.)_

I bite my bottom lip as her face turns so she is looking at the little table on the side of her bed, her arm reaching out to pull the bracelet _he_ gave her out of a little box. She'd never love something I gave her as much as she loves the bracelet she is holding right now. My eyes fall onto the shells.

"Come on Annie, if anyone can work it out it's you." Her fingers trace the shell and she frowns. "Come on, that's my girl..." She pushes herself up off her bed slightly before placing the bracelet back onto the table, the small frown on her face growing. "Annie please, you need to work this out... You're the only reason I'm holding on."

I watch helplessly as Annie lies back down and shuts her eyes, inviting sleep to take her. She looks so innocent and free I know she has no idea of how much weight I've placed on her shoulders. I lean forwards and place my lips on her forehead, knowing she won't know of the silent kiss I am placing there. When I pull away I keep my eyes shut as a single tear rolls down the side of my face.

"I can't hold on much longer."

She pulls the blanket around herself even tighter and for a second I could swear she whispered my name. But that second dies quickly.

_(Please tell me you didn't kill him before the fun could truly start.)_

The light fades to darkness once more and I find the feeling of numbness dissolve and the burning pain return as my mouth fills with the familiar taste of my blood. I don't need to move to feel the body carrying me like a ragdoll.

I'm not unconscious but I'm not awake.

_(Of course not. I just gave him enough drugs to make him sleep for a while.)_

I recognise that voice yet I cannot name it. The second for, the voice of the man who is carrying me, is the voice of the man who smells of honey and spice. The other voice is one I despise but I cannot give a reason for my feelings.

I'm far too out of it to remember most things in reality. I can barely keep grip of reality as opposed to the numbing darkness I cannot run from.

My body hits the ground and a small moan leaves my lips. Pain shoots through my broken leg and up my damaged body as I move a hand to my head. My head is spinning just enough for all sense of direction to be lost for enough time for me to have no idea where the two voices are standing.

The floor is smooth and cold under my body and as I use my hands to push myself up- grateful for the cold as my body feels as if it is being engulfed by hungry flames.

_(Apparently you didn't give him enough.) _

I have no idea where I am or where they are yet the moment I realise I'm next to a wall I push myself to my feet, swaying slightly as I struggle to keep my balance and nearly crying out loud when I put pressure on my broken leg.

_(Says the one who was worried about me killing him by giving him too much.)_

My entire body seems to be consumed in waves of pure _agony_ and like a trapped animal I have no escape. I don't even know where the walls are in this room or if there is more than one door. I can hear two sets of breathing apart from my own but my head isn't clear enough to pin down where they are.

The room smells of dust and the paint between my fingers and the bricks is chipped, much of it has already fallen off.

It's a little like the first room I was taken to when I first awoke only that one smelled stale, as if the air had been replaced with chemicals. The dust in this room is so thick it makes it hard to breathe as my lungs clench painfully.

_(He's a fighter isn't he?)  
(Stop it. He's going to give himself a heart attack if he doesn't calm down.)  
(So what do we do to shed some light on the situation?)  
(Stop the blind jokes, Mercer, and just...)_

I'm not expecting hands to grab me but they do and the sound of the echoed movements are the only faint clues about what is to happen next. The sound of a human nail tapping something fills my ears.

It hurts and the sound of my beating heart is **too loud** as I struggle to remain standing with the chips of pain scratching my wounded hands with the friction every time I nearly slip to the ground.

You don't need to be able to see to feel the world spinning around you. Even in the darkness you can feel the ground move as it tilts you so that gravity is pulling your very bones down until you are nothing more than marrow and dust. Even in the darkness you are lost in the simple action of movement the ground seems to do simply to mock you.

_(Tell me, then, August. What are you thinking?)_

"How to kill you." Why it's always me here with him?

_(Wrong answer.)_

The cold metal of a needle is shoved into my flesh before the last echo of his words can fade and as one darkness fades into another identical pit I barely have time to do one thing. I swear to myself that one day these men will suffer a slow and painful death.

There is no time to consider the fact I'll probably be dead by then. But, when have I ever listened to sense? I know better than listening to sense by now. Sense is what is behind the logic of torture; of how to draw the most pain and how to keep the victim awake as long as possible.

Sense leads to logic. Logic leads to cruelty. Cruelty leads to... everything. It was simple logic that I was the weakest member of the CIA and it was simple logic that made these men realise I'm the perfect target.

No. Sense isn't going to help me. I know that.

The question I should be asking is **what** or **who** is going to help me before I reach my breaking point and even without my sight I can see the ever growing horizon or my fading hope. The closeness of it should probably scare me but the idea of giving up no longer causes much doubt.

_(Sleep now. It's nearly time.)_

Bodies and minds can be trained to withstand torture just as easily as a puppy can be taught to sit when its master asks it to. When we are trained to be agents we are told that this training is all that will keep us safe.

I know that to be a lie because my training is the thing telling me that when the time comes and Mercer gets what he is seeking it won't just be my life which will be blown out like a birthday candle. It is my training which keeps my lips sealed just as strongly as they are moving.

It is the training which tells me how replaceable I am in this world because I have seen a thousand people die and then be replaced. Maybe not straight away but they are still replaced until the only visitors to their graves are the lost insects seeking food from the long dead flowers somebody left.

I know there is nobody who will remember me more than a short while and that idea scares me far more than the idea of dying. I have no truly close friends apart from Annie, my family is distant in every possible meaning and nobody has ever looked at me and truly said that they love me. Nobody has ever taken the time to say those words back to me.

Mercer's words cause me to want to laugh because at this very second all I want to do is sleep. The smell of honey and blood is just as sickening as the twinge of lemon I can smell from the second man. Sleep sound so much better than any other option I can think of.

My training says to stay awake as long as possible so that if there is a chance of getting away but the training is for agents who can see. Where can you run when even the light at the end of the tunnel is black?

I don't know any answer I may need as I allow my breathing to get deeper as my limbs slowly sink to the ground and the pace of my oddly calm heart.

I just want to sleep.

Listening to my training, after all, could be considered logical.

* * *

So? Was this okay? I hope you guys enjoyed... I worked very hard on this. So far my plan states that there will be a total of 10 chapters until the finish (decided by **YOU** by _**REVIEWING**_... (please)...) and if you do decide for Auggie to live then would you want me to continue in third person about them trying to be a family...? Please review with an answer to that and if Auggie should be saved BEFORE he's dead.

Also, I want to tell the lovely **noneofyourbisiness **that Auggie's self-esteem issues come from EVERYTHING. He hasn't had an easy life and it's only going to get harder unless *you* guys tell me to save him.

Thank you ALL for reviewing so far, it's one of the few things keeping me going. x

**Love,  
J.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: H**ey, I know you're all probably tired of excuses but I'm back. Sadly my grandad passed away and a thousand other things have happened. People at school have taken to slamming doors in my face and the bullying has gone from whatever it was to worse. Now I'm back and I just wanted to thank those who messaged me words of support. You have honestly idea how much it meant to me. This story and my SPN story 'To Break an Angel II' are my main focus so you will be getting regular updates. I'm sorry about this delay and hope this chapter is somewhat worth the wait.  
Also a very special squeal at the fact we've gone over 100 reviews! Thanks again to all of you especially seing how so far I haven't got many flames. *grin* Please enjoy this chapter as this is the one I like the most.

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_We all have excuses why  
living in fear  
Something in us dies.  
Like a bird with broken wings  
it's not how high he flies  
but the song he sings. _

**The Strange Familiar – **_Courage Is_

* * *

When she finally awakes it's to the harsh sound of her ringing phone vibrating off the edge of her table before it continues shouting for an answer from the floor. Three hours have passed quickly for her in a mass of sweat and nightmares.

The soup next to the alarm clock went cold long ago and a dead fly floats in the lumpy green liquid with small twitches in one of its little legs. The rain outside hits the window like a fistful of pebbles and the wind is smashing foliage and branches into the side of the house making it sound like somebody screaming to be allowed in. The wind sounds like screams of pure agony as it slips under the window, making the room far too cold for it to be comfortable.

Her blankets are wrapped around her legs like a rope, keeping them firmly down against the mattress and her hair looked like a bush, small blonde curls dangling onto her face and covering her eyes and sticking to her damp lips. She's a mess and the smudges under her eyes have spread down her cheeks and have stained the pillow. Her clothes are rumpled and look like they need a good ironing.

The phone keeps screaming as the person on the other end refuses to surrender.

Annie literally falls out of bed to answer it and when she does her throat is dry and her voice raspy, as if she has a bad cold. Her eyes are both tired and suddenly far too awake as her hands move to press answer and move the hair off her face before the caller stops calling. She knows from the ringtone who is calling and the urgency the calling is emanating scares her. No good news can be this urgent.

She takes a deep breath before answering as she tries to prepare herself for whatever is going to hit her next. "Hello?" Her hands are shaking as her head spins because of the quick movements she has forced her body to take so quickly after waking up. Her body is screaming for rest and it's clear from how her free hand rubs the back of her neck she didn't sleep well.

"_Annie, I've been trying to reach you! Where have you been?_" The voice on the other side of the phone is loud and clear, obviously frustrated because of the lack of attention he has received from her. She doesn't answer as he continues. _"Things have gone to hell down here!"_

The yawn she was struggling to keep down is gone as she sits up, finally free from the blanket. "What's happened? Is everything okay?" The panic on her face is mixed with dread as she swallows whatever she had in her mouth.  
"_Annie, turn the news on._" The order is hard and Annie follows it as quickly as she can, reaching for the dusty remote under her bed before turning the news on. The reporter's voice is quick as she stumbles over her words. But nobody is listening to her words as the images of a burning hospital flicker on the screen.

The death toll isn't final but fifty are certainly dead. Many more are injured.

"That's the hospital Auggie's in." She says the words with no hesitation as she struggles to look at the burning red flames. "What happened?"

"_A bomb. We sent several agents to investigate when we were told that Auggie was gone from his hospital bed. They were all killed shortly after informing us that Auggie really is gone. He wasn't anywhere to be found."_

"Do we know who did this?" The question is empty because she knows they don't just from the tone of his voice. He sounds almost as tired as she feels.  
"_No- but we have a lead. I'm nearly at your house. I'll pick you up in five."_

The caller hangs up without another word and Annie pauses another second, staring at the images of the dead an injured as if she's scanning for a familiar face. A face she didn't find as her thumb slipped onto the red button, bringing silence back once again.

Her eyes flicker to where I remain sitting at the end of her bed as if she can feel something's wrong.

It takes exactly five minutes for the caller to arrive, his state slightly dishevelled as he opens the door to allow a suitably tidied up Annie to slip into the front seat next to him. Neither of them say anything as Annie closes her seatbelt, eyes on the man next to her.

"What happened, Jai?" Her eyes fall onto his split lip as he starts driving, his grip as tight as it can get as his eyes flicker away from her. She's too distracted to see what direction they are going in. She's too trusting to care.  
"It's panic at the hospital. People rushing everywhere." He shrugs, eyes watching the road. "It's a thirty minute drive but we think we have a clear lead on where some parts of the bomb were from... It was a very distinctive make." He struggles for his words in a manner Annie isn't used to seeing and it only worries her further as the hope in her eyes fades further.  
"Terrorists?" She frowns. "Why would they want Auggie?"

That's the piece of the puzzle she can't place. No matter how hard she tries she can't place why anyone would take Auggie, torture him, return him and then take him again like it's just a stupid game. She can't understand why they planted the bomb. It's like she's trying to fit together two different games and hoping they have something in common.

"We don't know. Maybe mind games?" The answer doesn't convince either of them.

Annie can't help but smell the ashes and fire still resting on Jai's clothes as he opens the car's window and she flinches for him, wondering how horrific the state of the hospital must have been. Neither of them mention it as Jai starts rambling about the workings of the bomb and how it must have had a switch.

Annie remains in her silence as she stares out of the window, watching the reflection of the backseat as if she can see anything but emptiness there.

"_What are you thinking?"_

I'm too out of it to know why that question matters as I let myself slip away, until I almost can't find my way back. I'm too tired to find the answer I should give or to hear the answer she gives.

The shadows quickly spin their web and I wonder what I'm trying to find.

I spare a final glance down at my body, tilting my head as my eyes fall onto the running red liquid that stains my hands and arms. I glance at the reflection only I can see and watch as the blood keeps rolling from the cut across my chest.

I simply frown and try to work out why it matters as I slip back into my sleep.

...

Everything is too bright and loud when Annie follows Jai down the stairs, causing my head to spin and my hands to reach out as if I'm going to fall. I can almost feel my whole body sway with sea sickness even though my feet are on solid ground. Of course, like with anything else in the last few hours, there is no logic to such a roughly formed sentence.

Like a thousand times before Annie walks away from me yet for the first time my focus isn't on her. Instead it is with the man she is walking with, trusting him to get her to who hurt me enough to follow him with my old sight into a location she doesn't know. There is no need to question this as I know that Jai is a good man yet I also know his voice rings familiar for more reasons than I can link together. There is something about his voice that rings a memory linked these events but I can't find the missing puzzle piece. I can't find it because my own mind is struggling to support me.

For the first time in days, I'm cold.

I don't know why such a simple fact as that could surprise me but it does. I'm cold and as I follow Annie I stumble as if on roller-skates. Everything is moving and I can't control anything. The sounds of the voices around me are empty, as if I'm listening though a glass and a wall.

"We're running late." Jai's leading Annie ahead without even standing in front of her. As she keeps walking he pauses a second, eyes scanning behind him as if scared they are being followed. He knows they are not being followed but paranoia is a large part of our jobs. Guilt only makes such a thing lie heavier on our minds. Not that he is feeling guilty for what he has done, instead he feels guilty for what is yet to come. He knows that once he carries though with this next part there will never be any going back.

There's fear in his eyes as he swallows, making himself continue leading Annie in a dance of their wills. A dance neither fully understand and only one of them knows the basic rules of. Of course, at this point, even I have learnt the rules: Don't get caught and don't think about what you are doing. Right now, Jai has broken the second rule and now there is the card of doubt on the table.

Doubt. Funny that this seems more effective on Jai than fear. Personally I'd say that shows a lot of flaws in his personality which could from his severe daddy issues. But, then again, I never really liked him so I've have to point out the face that his daddy issues are to blame for his _hideous _lack of a personality.

He keeps walking, one of his hands curling slightly so that his nails can dig into his flesh as a reminder to himself to keep his eyes on whatever metaphorical goal he has set himself.

Annie's voice is distant as she calls to him. "Where did the contact say to meet?" It takes a second for both myself and Jai to catch up with her and when we do she's standing in front of a plain brick wall with a chunk of metal on it. There is nobody there but them. Jai smiles with what I presume is meant to be a reassuring look- I laugh at how Annie seems to relax at the sight of it though.

"He's going to meet us here soon. I think we're a little early." He says the words like rehearsed lie in a kids drama class, where the socially awkward child simply reads the lines with no emotions. Annie doesn't see it though.  
"Are you sure he's reliable?" Her voice is strong and self-assured as she reminds herself over and over that they have a cause now. She has something to focus on. "There's too much on the line for a flunk."

Right, she thinks that terrorists kidnapped me. There's a lot on the line if they things further but my one concern isn't even that she believes such a ridiculous lie. My main concern, if I were thinking straight right now (which I'm really not), would and is the fact that Jai is leaning on a piece of wood that could easily be used as a weapon.

Annie doesn't notice as she looks at his eyes to see if they are trust worthy. "Yes." His reply is too quick, his lips press together tighter and he's sweating as his fingers wrap around the wood tighter. "I'm sure. We were sent here for a reason after all."

Annie nods slowly, eyes still on him. They keep eye contact for a few more seconds before she finally looks away.

"Do you think Auggie is still alive?"

"No." "Maybe." Both I and Jai give the answer at once yet she only hears his answer. "If they want something they won't kill off one of their best bargaining chips. That would be pointless to say the least." His words are rushed and slightly slurred as if he's worried. I know Annie notices these signs yet she reads them wrong. She trusts her faith in there being something to trust in Jai over her instinct yelling at her to run as fast as she can.

"Luckily for me, they're not terrorists so it's just fine to kill me!" I cough out the words, ignoring the red on my hand and already blue lips that remains after I am done with the coughing fit. I simply try to see if on any subconscious level she can hear me. Maybe if I scream loud enough she'll leave before things take a turn for the worst for both of us.

The sound of something falling causes her to turn her head, eyes looking for the danger her body can sense. She barely gets to blink before wood is smashing her down to the ground, blood dripping from the scrape on the side of her pale face and eyes wide shut.

"I'm sorry."

Both I and Jai know that this is the turning point that is going to make things go from bad to a Hell of a lot worse.

Apologies are going to be useless the moment everything burns and you don't have to see the future to see how everything is going to go up in flames.

It turns out the metal chunk is a door and as Jai leaves Annie's breathing body there I sit opposite her, like a puppy waiting for its master to wake up. He locks the door from the outside before leaving, eyes apologetic and voice shaking.

"I have to do this."

Of course he does.

Daddy issues usual do make people easily led.

...

There is no measure of time in this room, there is no way there could be. No external light can be seen and there are no clocks. There's nothing in this room apart from us and the slowly shedding layers of dust on the walls. Nobody's been in here for a long time and there's no way out.

Annie is left on the dust, the blood on her face the only colour in the lifeless room. The only sound is her shallow breath and the odd sound of her body twitching. I make no effort to move as I keep my head resting on the wall opposite to her and my knees pressed to my chest. There's no point in pointing out the lack of movement there is from there. What use if a heartbeat if you have no breath? I've tried a thousand times but there is no blood flowing through my veins.

I don't know how long it takes for her to awake, but when she does it's with a tender groan. Her hands move gently to her head and I resist the urge to ask if she's okay. The chances of me actually getting a reply are next to none. Unless she decides to talk to herself out loud about the right thing. This, in itself, would probably be less likely than me getting a reply. Yet, with a hiss of pain and muttered curse words she assures me that she is fine because no matter how much I dislike seeing pain in her eyes they are clear. She's angry yet she's focused enough for me to know she will be fine.

I sink back into where I was sitting, attempting to wipe the red stains from my hands without even caring enough to see what it is. It's all over me yet for some reason I don't want to know. Maybe the truth would scare me.

The moment she realises where she is she stumbles to her feet, quickly moving to see if she can open the door. When she realises there is no point in such an action she proceeds to desperately trying to find anything else that could be remotely helpful in her getting out. This time, I count to see how long it takes her to realise that it's useless. For me, it took five minutes. For her it easily takes ten as she checks under things I knew wouldn't move without more energy that I have. In her credit she tries everything she can before she allows herself to collapse back into her spot opposite from me.

She sighs and I almost reprimand her for wasting her breath on such a useless cause.

"**I know what it feels like.**" I smile at her without truly looking at anything but the dust that surrounds us. The ground where she is sitting has been slightly cleaned by her movements to reveal gray concrete. When I look down there's nothing but bitter disappointment to see that the dust looks as if it hasn't been touched in years. The single light bulb on the ceiling flickers yet remains on. Annie stares at it as if she is hoping it will give her answers.

She doesn't know that neither light nor darkness hold any answers. Neither will change anything because everything is a state of mind. Our attitudes and our fears are simply linked to our fragile human minds. She doesn't realise yet that until she thinks clearly she won't find the answer to whatever question is plaguing her mind.

Maybe it's fear of what she'd have to admit to herself that stops her from working it out. Maybe it's just that the pieces don't fit yet. I don't know but as she lets out a small sounds of unhappiness that sound oddly like the whimpers a puppy would make, I really wish I did know.

Temptation is one of the things humans were not meant to resist and as I slowly pull myself to my feet and lead myself to sit next to her, I finally allow myself to admit that I miss the darkness that has become my life over the past few years. I allow myself to realise that I crave the darkness more than I ever craved the light and that scares me because the darkness is no different from the light, they both hold dangers I cannot see no matter how hard I try to see them.

When I sit next to her she's trying to use the palm of her hand to clean the blood from her face, completely oblivious to anything else. Her breaths are fast and sharp, her hands are shaking and it's not just anger glittering in her frustrated eyes.

She has more guilt in those eyes than even Jai had in his. It's silly but for the first time in a long time I can see it so clearly I don't want to.

I rest a hand on her shoulder, feeling the texture of the material fully knowing that it cannot feel me. Once I'm comfortable on the ground I try to ignore my numbness and the pens and needles in my legs as I rest the side of my face on the wall so that I can keep watching her.

"**I really, really do.**"

She slams a hand down on the floor and lets out a cry of pure frustration, anger taking over in her eyes as she runs her fingers through her hair, desperately trying to come up with one of her brilliant and slightly mad plans. We both know she isn't going to find one this time because there are no clever plans out of this one. We're both in deeper waters than we have ever been prepared for.

For me my life is at stake and for her she's risking the love of her life because she might have to see him capable of committing any form of evil.

Neither of us are going to fully win and at least one of us is going to lose their battle.

"**I love you.**" I resist the urge to hug her as I let my heavy eyes close for what I know could be the final time. I'm too tired to keep fighting and I feel like a lost child seeking their safety net. I can't fight to stay alive and keep fighting to see what's happening without letting my growing desperation lead me.

I have seen all that I can bare to see and as the darkness dares to reach out for me once more I greet it like a cautious old friend. I let it embrace me as I slip deeper than ever before in its grip.

I don't need to see the future to know I don't want to know what is going to happen next.

I _can't_ cope with seeing more than I have.

...

So now I must apologise, for this sudden change in flow. Yet for the bigger picture, a new view may come in handy. For even after everything you have seen, you might as well be blind. In this game we are playing we have no rules yet, but nothing is reliable if taken from first hand. Everything you've seen has been smoke, mirrors and a good sample of madness- newly derived from a freshly rotting mind.

The end is near in sight, and all of you have lasted long, but as the largest hurdle yet runs to us as it burns, it'll take all your concentration to understand it all. Nothing you know can fully be trusted yet not everything you are yet to learn will teach you a certain part of the truth. Whatever side you believe, there will surely be leeway. The eyes we were looking through before are now no use to us- like glass under pressure all the little cracks have become one and he's quickly breaking down.

So if there is no man called Death, or a gentle nurse begging for you to take a breath- If there is no true option and this all a game made by a dying mind, then is all you've seen just a lie? Do not fret; it was your attention I sought to catch. For everything is a lie and nothing is false. Nothing will make sense until everything is revealed.

Life and Death are very alike, for this is all a part of us. If innocence is a state of mind, then to lose your innocence must be to lose your mind! If you want to stay alive you must fight for it with all your might. Nobody will listen to a comatose plaything yet the louder you'll scream the more people will do to look the other way. Until this point we've placed ourselves between the many little cracks but now they have all reached for one another and brought the whole world to its feet without it even knowing.

Like Alice fell into Wonderland, everyone has their part to play. Fifteen bullets will go astray.

But please my dears, don't think our unlikely hero to be coward, the human mind can only take so much. We're fragile and vulnerable and the moment you trust you leave yourself alone. A disability will not do anything to aid your fear because to see the lack of a sense as a _dis_ability then you truly are blind. If you cannot hear the lies of others then maybe you will see clearer. If you cannot speak then you'll hear what others cannot. If you cannot smell your lover's perfume maybe then you can feel them closer. If you limp you may not run as fast as some yet you'll know the truth in what others take for granted. Without a limb you're just the same and if you cannot take things in, then that is a disability.

If you are blind to this world around us, then there are six billion people just like you. Soon or later we will all mix up darkness and light to the point we will not know what has hit us.

We all feel safer giving labels so I'll give you one we're going to need: Do you hear that sound that's pounding now, causing you to feel the ground? Cover your ears and shut your eyes, hold your breath and shut your mouth- that's the sound of what he's feeling.

In this game of riddles, the answers we will find may not always be the same. I as me can find it fun for I already know the end! The shadows in which we play will have become your comfort zone one that I must tear down. So off we switch the darkness and on comes the light for the other half of this monopoly is screaming to be found.

Our hero will be no use to us as he's left within his own world, created and acted by parts of him. Maybe's he is dying and maybe he is living for what is to live and what is to die?

Who are we to define sanity when we help tear this world apart? Take a clean moment and try to tell me anyone completely sane. We've read of a man and we've read of woman dancing around one another afraid of ever touching, we've read of torture and blood and we've read of what it feels like to die.

Yet we state we are not mad.

So far you have been in charge, telling what you wish to happen but now there is no say for you. The coins have been tossed and your say has been done. Theses sets of words are being finished just as a heart soon will be.

Somebody is sure to die and somebody will only half die.

I must annoy you now because I will not give you answers yet; I cannot because there are none. I warn you (please) keep tender patience as we're all a little sick.

Don't go yet he is screaming for help through the flames of his own hell. Everything is going to burn we are the only ones who truly know. Behind the velvet curtains, we are leaning they are only red because of the blood they helped the careful actors hide. You get nothing in this world if you simply stand by.

Maybe this narration style is not your type of tea but for the sake of our main man this is the interval. No new plots will arise yet subplot may come play- since the start of his demise a lot has seemed to change.

If you chose to leave us now please think before you do, it's been so long a last sprint will not take long. If you have the power to forget this all then never wonder for what could have been the end, I'm sure I envy you. If curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back.

It's not that hard so see what's coming if you close your eyes.

Do so now, and listen to that sound.

Can't you hear it? Don't be silly, now I know you can. This sound is not loud or small yet it will remain. This sound that will stay with you is what is yet to come. For in the constant emptiness in the middle of your breaths is the sound of a still heart.

So if there is no man called Death, or a gentle nurse begging for you to take a breath- If there is no true option and this all a game made by a dying mind, then is all you've seen just a lie? Answer me this one riddle, then we can all be gifted with the gift of darkness.

...

_What are you thinking?_

* * *

So? Good? Bad? What are you guys thinking? We've reached the half way mark and this will be the last chapter where you get a vote in the end so please let me know who should die.

Thank you for reading, and hopefully reviewing. You're all fabulous.

**Love,  
J.**

(Ps. If any of you have tumblr please come joing me as I've only just gotten the hang of it and need people to chat to. I have the same name there as here and I follow back. xx)


	7. Chapter 7

Hello people. MERRY XMAS! I'm sorry about the delay. I know it's getting a habit but things are getting in the way. Hopefully a nice jolly (depressing) chapter will get me back in your good books? Thank you to those who reviewed it meant a lot and made me smile.

* * *

_I never want to see  
you unhappy.  
I thought you'd want the same  
for me.  
Goodbye my almost lover,  
Goodbye my hopeless dream.  
_**A Fine Frenzy – **_Almost Lover_

Torture has a way of breaking people without the scars ever being visible. It has a way of twisting everything a person is (was) until they become nothing but living, breathing _hatred_ towards the world around them and themselves. Sometimes that hatred is shown no more than the absence of a sparkle in once lively eyes.

Eyes don't have to be able to see to be broken and when they can't see you it's harder for their emotions to be hidden.

Torture doesn't have to be physical for it to leave permanent damage and as Auggie Anderson tried to push himself up from the filthy ground the torture finally paid off because as he just slipped back down with barely a small breath at the pain his eyes were almost dead. As his palms hit the ground, slipping on the red and gray filth, he barely attempted to catch himself. As his already broken limbs twisted further he allowed himself to break further as if he had lost whatever he was clinging to. When his whole body finally made contact with the ground he allowed himself to remain perfectly still, eyelids shutting as if under a heavy weight. His breaths became almost healthy as they continued, interrupted by the small gasps for breath that his broken lungs forced his lips to make.

"What are you thinking?" Jai asked the question for what felt like the thousandth time as he watched Auggie's fingers remain half curled, nails pressing into the soil.

His usually somewhat organised masses of curls were stuck to his face by the heavy layers of sweat and blood that painted his unhealthily pale features. His lips were broken and swollen- through the small gap between them red teeth could be seen. At the sound of Jai's voice he didn't even flinch yet his fingers curled further and his nails broke the silence as what remained of them scraped against the rocks that littered the area around him.

Auggie's whimper was barely hidden as Jai took a step closer, finally causing Auggie's body to flinch in reaction. Like a dominoes effect the small sound sent his body into a coughing fit, his teeth biting his lip just hard enough to re-awaken the bleeding that until minutes earlier had been running freely. Jai stopped as quickly as he had started, swallowing slightly at the guilt that caused his gut to bubble and his throat to swell up until he could barely breathe.

"I'm not going to hurt you." He couldn't stop the words from leaving his lips as the blind man shook slightly like a wounded puppy. Too weak to move yet strong enough to think clearly about all the possibilities of what could be done to him if the other reached boiling point.  
"N-no..." Chocked words echoed slightly. "You'll sit back and let Him do wh-what he wants. S-So very brave." A tiny laugh. "You must be s-so proud."

Jai couldn't feel anger at the empty words that the other threw his way with all the energy of a dying man. Only hours earlier he had been still trying to stand his ground with whatever passion had filled his body. That passion was gone as if he knew something Jai didn't. As if he'd realised that he had nothing to fight for just like Mercer had been telling over and over again. As if the energy he had been using to survive was too low for it to do anything but keep him awake.

Even his fear didn't give him enough adrenaline to even move.

"Trust me I'm not."

Silence.

"I know."

Auggie had lost a lot of blood. Enough to paint the ground and most of his flesh yet all the flesh that hadn't been painted with red was a white Jai had only seen the dead possess before. It wasn't a shade made for the living. The still open wounds on his body were probably countless and even his throat had a slash across it. Mocking and too light to kill yet hypnotising in its own right.

"Doesn't make you any less guilty." Auggie lowered his head once again, clearly telling Jai how hard it was for him to find the words as well as putting them together.

"I know."

Some games are dangerous to play for both the players and the cards. They were so near the end that the weight of what had been done could finally be felt.

"And for that I'm so sorry."

Jai forced himself to go further, getting closer and closer to the broken doll on the ground until he was less than three steps from the hand Auggie had left still on the ground. It took longer than he thought possible to get to his knees next to the man he had once admired the strength of. Yet still he had been broken.

Auggie made no effort to reply as his eyes remained shut as tightly as he could keep them. When Jai's hands slowly turned him over he forced himself to keep as silent as possible. Only a weak moan left him and for that he wasn't sure if he should scold or praise himself.

He was beginning to question if either was worth the effort.

He was too tired to think clearly.

Everything hurt.

The ground was all too hard against his spine and when Jai's hands moved his body felt like it was breaking at the impact of a bomb all over again. Like a flash of white his body felt like curling away from the pain but any and every movement only caused more agony than he could deal with.

Even in the agony he could hear his heart miss a beat as it screamed out in all of its glory for help to support the corpse it was trying to keep going.

Of all the things Jai thought Auggie was going to do next smiling wasn't on that list. Funny enough he flinched before Auggie even spoke because of how red his teeth had become.

Blood rolled down the side of his face.

"Annie will work this out." Auggie's words were so low Jai had to lean in closer to catch what he had said. "She's not blinded by her heart enough to fall for it completely. You'll see."  
"Maybe." Jai didn't add any distance between them as he gave his reply. "Maybe not. We don't know yet, do we?" It was the truth. Or at least a small portion of it.

"Lying... to a dying man isn't a good habit." Auggie's small joke fell flat as another breath shattered in half at the force of a bloodied cough.  
"Luckily we only die once so I can only lie once to a man about to die." Jai avoided looking at the face of the man left on the ground. "Not much of a habit if you ask me."

The human body is too fragile to take so much pressure and there is only so much it can take before it gives up.

"You might not die."

"You just proved yourself wrong." Auggie's eyes fluttered, still not seeing yet seeking the light like a scared child. "You've now lied twice."

The human mind is even worse. When broken it doesn't fix with any form of ease. Only the most stubborn can last that little longer yet there is no avoiding breaking. Nobody is bullet proof. Fear dies just before the mind does because what's the point of fear if you aren't going to last much longer?

"I guess it's becoming a habit then." Jai would have smiled if they were in a very different time and place. Yet, they weren't and he wasn't sure he could remember how to smile.

"Annie will work this out." The words were weak, barely any weight in them.  
"You trust her more than I would in your place." Several breaths. "She doesn't even know how you feel. If she can't see that how will she see Mercer's deceit?"  
"Because she's angry. And when she's angry she sees more than you ever will." The bitterness in his voice was hidden under the lines that darkened the flesh under his eyes.

"Anger can blind just as easily as it can enlighten a person." Jai barely glanced at the blood that had stained his hands. "She might not realise in time."

"She will." There it was. The stubbornness that was keeping Auggie going. "We both know it."

Who needs eyes to see the truth?

The silence that then fell was filthy and full of unspoken lies and hatred. Even in the darkness of unseeing eyes there was nothing left to discover. It took too much strength to even try and find more words.

There was no forgiveness hidden in the fresh blood that fading day.

And just like that, whatever had been keeping Auggie going disappeared.

The moment his eyes rolled up Jai saw it coming. He saw the fits that followed and he predicted how the broken limbs broke further with sickly cracks.

It wasn't the first time Jai had seen a body tear itself apart as it kept shaking, the few wounds that had been able to close were ripped open and the blood that dripped through the wounds only blended with the blood already resting on his flesh.

As Auggie's body curved his lips opened and only the gurgling sound of a body choking on its own blood filled the silence. When his shoulders smashed into the ground again his movements were fast and manic. The whiteness of his eyes was only marred with the long red lines that curled like the scars on his body. As a the gurgling became stained with a half broken scream Jai's hands flashed to his shoulders, struggling to hold the other down.

It wasn't the first time Jai had seen someone so close to death. It wasn't even the first time that he could be considered even partly responsible. Hell, it wasn't even the first time he was holding a dying man down.

Yet it felt like the first time his nails had been painted red with the blood of another. It felt like the first time the still warm blood was under his nails, sliding down his flesh and mocking him as it left a tattoo that wouldn't was off.

It wasn't the first time he had heard a gurgled scream yet like a new agent he flinched at the sound, his own breathing only getting faster at the sound of it as he silently tried to remember what he should do next. Of course like with anyone else the panic halted his usually fast mind.

He was sure of what he had to do. That much was for certain but the real answer he was looking for wasn't held within his mind.

"You need to stay awake." His voice was bitter and hard, lashed with enough panic to fuel a war. "You can't give up yet." He didn't know why he suddenly seemed to care about the blind man. He had never cared much for him yet at the moment he wanted him alive. He wanted anything but Auggie's blood on his hands. Yet that choice had been already made when he had allowed himself to be manipulated into such a situation.

"We need to see which one of us is right."

He kept searching for the answer as he slowly moved to do what he had to, fingers slipping over the worst of Auggie's wounds before he lost too much blood. The answer he both wanted and didn't want stood mocking behind him.

Because of all the things Jai was, he most certainly wasn't sure.

Jai wasn't sure if saving Auggie would make him worse than Mercer because forcing him to live was a torture in itself.

...

Her head hurt like Hell on Earth when she was slowly shaken awake. As a natural instinct she had been trained to have instead of the stretch many may have done she aimed a hard punch to whoever was still holding onto her arm.

At the sound of a nose crunching her eyes flickered open.

"Bloody Hell Annie." Mercer hissed the words out as his hands flew to cradle his bleeding and very possibly broken nose. At the sight of him she quickly pushed herself to her elbows, trying desperately to keep balance as the room span slightly. As she finally got to her knees he turned to look at her. "Are you okay?"

It had been a long time since she had seen him and as she stared at him she waited. She waited for any of the old feelings to pop their heads up again and she waited for her stomach to begin feeling how it had last time she had seen him. She waited yet none of them came, leaving only a void of emotion as she stared at him.

Yet her mind was rinsed in adrenaline, screaming at her that she was indeed feeling something. The lack of other emotions was quickly put down to the fact that she obviously had a concussion and wasn't thinking clearly.

It wasn't as if emotions like the ones she had once had just disappeared into thin air and she hadn't fallen in love with anyone else.

She was just confused.

"Ben." The smile that partly covered her face was only partly true. In its stubbornness to admit that she no longer cared for him like she had, her mind convinced her that the racing of her heart was joy to see him and not panic about how she could sense they were running out of time. She quickly wrapped her arms around him, letting her smile drop when he could no longer see her face. "What are you doing here?"

"I..." He struggled to keep his voice light yet he gave her a bloody smile. "I heard that you had been attacked. I've been trailing these people for a good while and when I heard they'd gotten you I came here as quickly as possible."

She felt far more tired than she had in a very long time. Her eyes flickered slightly as she freed herself of the grip she had been longing for since she'd last allowed herself to feel anything for anyone.

"But it was Jai that attacked me." She let the words slip out, wanting to trust him enough to be honest. "He's- He was one of us. How could you know he was going to betray us?"

At any other time the puzzle pieces would have begun to fit together yet as another wave of sickness passed through her she couldn't help but not make the connections completely correctly.

"I didn't." He answered just a little quickly. Like a defensive child he quickly looked for what other story to say. "I just knew you were going to be here. And I knew they were planning something for you. I just put two and two together."

"Do you have an inside source then?"

Hope flared up inside of her as she looked at him once again rather than the spot on the wall just behind his head.

"Yes."

The first truth he had told so far felt far too heavy in his mouth. As if he was breaking a good habit by being honest. But of course, he lied so often that sometimes even he couldn't remember what side he was on. When he did remember the answer was simple.

He was on his own side.

Annie quickly got to her feet, stumbling slightly as she reached her full height. "Have you heard anything about Auggie?"

A wave of dread joined the increasing waves of nausea. She wasn't sure she even wanted to know what was happening to her friend. His state could have only gotten worse since she had last seen him and at that point he looked like the living dead from the bad films her sister watched.

"Who?"

Lies tasted much better than the truth to him. They were easier and he was usually good at remembering them. It was a habit he liked because it made it easier to spot when someone else was lying to him. He knew when to get out of a situation and he knew how to get people to trust him. He was good at that.

It helped him get what he wanted and he always got what he wanted. He had seen Auggie as a threat to getting his latest toy so he'd removed that card from the table.

"August Anderson." His full name left her lips with an ease that Mercer did not like in the slightest. "They took him. He's my..." A tiny hesitation. "He's my friend and colleague." Mercer slowly joined her as he stood up. "They returned him and then they took him back. They had tortured him."

"Is this the blind man?"

She blinked as if she had forgotten that fact about him. As if she had stopped considering it as relevant a long time earlier. He swallowed any uneasiness as he faked being interested in any answer she had to give him.

"Oh. Yes, I mean. Auggie's blind." She shook her head as if waking herself up.

"I haven't heard much about him; it's all very hush hush." He nodded lightly. "Disgusting though. I mean, torturing somebody who's blind." He allowed an almost sad sigh to leave his lips as his face dropped to give him the look of somebody who really couldn't understand why people do what they do.

"It's disgusting torturing anyone." She gave him a look he couldn't quite decipher. "He's perfectly able to defend himself. Probably more than most people."

Mercer nodded, resisting the urge to tell her how fragile her precious friend had been when he'd left him bleeding on the ground.

"Quick," He aided her walk by supporting some of her weight. "They could be back soon."

Lies. He liked lies.

The walk was surprisingly easy when Annie found her own footing again. The moment she did her determination showed as she practically jumped up the stairs. Mercer followed her as quietly as he could, barely pausing to control his anger.

He'd never been good at controlling his anger. There had never been any true use for controlling it because there was always somebody he could take it out on. As his finger slipped into his pocket and he pulled his phone out he had yet another way of dealing with how he was feeling.

It was obvious to everyone but Annie how she felt about her little blind friend and he wasn't going to allow anyone to steal the toy he wanted from him. Maybe it came from years of being a very selfish only child or maybe it just came from how alike to his father he actually was. He was too stubborn to give up.

He barely had to look to form the three lettered text or to send it.

_Now._

That's all he had to write before sending it to know that the little problem was going to be taken care of. _Auggie_ was going to be disposed of before His Annie realised how she may or may not feel.

"Are you coming?" Her cry sounded like it was further away than it was and he smirked at the tone. She wasn't suspecting anything yet.

"Yes, sorry." He almost sounded worried as he hurried to catch up, wiping all amusement and smugness from his face. She wouldn't need to know what he had done for another while yet and when she did know it would be too late. "I text my contact."

"And?" Eagerness to save someone who's death contract had just been signed. Mercer almost pitied her.

"We've got a possible address." He gave her a small smile. The smile he used to give her when he just wanted her to shut up and trust him. "It's nothing definite but it's an address."

She smiled at him, the first true smile he had seen yet. He almost wanted to add a small side not on the text to tell them to make the disposal nice and slow yet it was too late to change orders. A couple of bullets to the brain would have to do.

Her speed increased as she told him to lead the way to his car. He happily complied knowing there would be no more than a corpse waiting to surprise Annie when they finally got there.

She was a strong woman like Auggie had been a strong man.

The strong ones always break the best.

With weak ones there are tears and begging. Pure selfishness and the need to survive running through their veins. In those last seconds they would only think about themselves.

Strong ones always put on a good show, fighting as hard as they could before finally shattering like a once beautiful glass ornament on an old cabinet.

His car was one of the very few cars on the street and as they both slipped into it his phone silently vibrated, telling him that soon one of his problems would be gone forever.

"What are you thinking?"

He looked over at Annie quickly and silently cursed her for staring out of the window. He was doing some of his best concerned acting only for it to go unnoticed.

Unknown to him, Annie's penny had finally dropped. The pieces of the puzzle had finally been placed together long enough for the most import piece of the puzzle to finally make sense. Mercer had said he had no idea who Auggie was at first yet Auggie had a piece of Mercer's bracelet.

They had met and Mercer had openly lied about it as easily as anything. Auggie had been trying to tell her something and the one clue he had been able to give her to tell her who had kidnapped and tortured him was a shell from _Mercer's _bracelet.

She kept her gaze focused as she sank back into her seat a little, head hurting as she went over everything she knew. Mercer had been the one to find her and when he had mentioned a source his eyes had been the eyes of a smiling man.

Jai had looked scared, as if he wasn't doing something he was comfortable with. He looked like a child being forced to apologise when it wasn't really them that had done the crime. He'd even apologised just before she had been unconscious because he didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want to hurt her or Auggie yet somebody far more powerful than he was –somebody higher up on the food chain- was pulling the strings.

When Auggie had been found he had kept chocking on the sound 'Mer'. Like a broken record in his brief moments of being awake that had been the one sound he always made without even knowing he was doing it.

"Annie, are you okay?"

She forced a smile as she turned to look at Mercer. "Yeah, my head hurts a little."

He was so caught up with how well everything was going that he almost didn't notice the hesitance in her words. Not that he pointed it out.

Annie looked back out of the window, silently scolding herself for not noticing his wounded knuckles until that moment. She hadn't even noticed the still fresh scratch mark on the top of his collar.

She wasn't sure if she should have been grateful for the knowledge that it meant that Auggie was still alive enough to try and fight or to be physically sick because the man she had slept with was also the one who had tortured her best friend.

As she rested her head back she tried to think of what to do next. Allowing Mercer to drive them to God Knows Where was dangerous yet necessary. If he was capable of torturing someone and then trying to be the hero he was capable of leading her straight to Auggie.

"Are you sure your source is reliable?" She gave Mercer a worried smile and almost sighed with relief when he physically relaxed.

"Yes. Very."

Just smiling at him made her feel sick.

* * *

So? Good? Bad? Please let me know but no flames.

I hope you have a wonderful Xmas. :)

**Love,  
J.**


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